This period of transition and heartache in the current era of my life is a definition of cruel that I have never experienced before.
They say before you can climb to the top, or realize that you even need to, you must hit a “rock bottom”.
It’s crazy. Because my life has seemingly been a serious of these horrible bottoms. Each one a little bit worse than the one before. Only, all the ones before now, were only bottoms where I sat at the bottom of the hole alone.
This one is different. It’s like I had multiple people chained to my ankles and when it was time to fall, they were victims of circumstance.
There’s two ways I could view it….
Someone has my life on a bottomless pit repeat, kind of like the movie groundhog day, and these bottoms have no seize..
One day, after I am drug through the mud, suffocated, and drained of every tear I am capable of crying, there’s is one amazing top I am going to reach.
I pray for the latter. I actually yearn for it. I am so tired. Truly I am. I do not know how much I can withstand. I won’t say I can’t withstand anymore, because the truth is, I have literally been beaten, sexually assaulted as a child, raped more than once as a teen, homeless, isolated, unloved, stripped of everything I had more than once, cursed with what seems like an unloveable soul, and I have seen dark things that I can’t explain.. nor would anyone believe even if I tried to, and recently, almost lost my daughter…… yet I am still here.
I suppose God or fate is not done with me yet. I don’t know what lies ahead. It scares me whatelse I may have to withstand, and honestly, it will take strength I know that I don’t currently have. But I know that I want love to be involved, even if I do not fully understand all types of it. The love as a mother, I fully embrace and experience, but the love as a lover is one that I have always yearned for, but never fully grasped. But it’s been clearly depicted so far, that the latter is so far, not in the works for me. I pray that when and if it is, that that lover will dream of me, and we can meet on this battlefield with our white flags, embrace, and never…EVER again let go.
Until then, I’ll light a candle at the bottom of this hole so I can continue to dig out with some slight visability, and I will try my best to focus on the things I am digging for.