The Downfall of Raising Polite Children

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Photo by Markus Spiske on

Most of my whole life, I have been immensely affected by the actions of other people. It has made me an angry person. It has made me internally have hate for most every person I come across. Externally, I am polite, respectful, and an all around good friend. However, I am only this way because I was raised by passive people who never stood up for really anything. That’s about the only thing good I got out of it was learning to be polite. But internally, I boil. I am only that way because I truly feel that not really any one person has good intentions. I feel, because I have been hurt so many times, that most every person has a different motive than what they’re putting out there.

Luckily, it pushed me to want to raise my daughter a little differently. It made me want to mold her with a few different parts. I have taught her to be polite, but also brave, and to understand that everyone is different. I have been straight forward with her in telling her that there are evil people out there. People that live for hurting others. Most because their parents are also assholes and because they are taught sometimes through family tradition, that they are better…which they are not. I have always spoken with her about bullying, and how horribly wrong it is. And the truth is, I have taught her that we won’t put up with things like that and I want her to stand up for herself to every extent if it ever happened to her. I won’t lie. I have even told her that bullies deserve to have their asses kicked. Normally if they get their ass beat one time, they think twice about saying anything to you ever again.

With the confident, wonderful child that she is, I never really thought I would have to deal with that with her outside of that conversation. Now that we’re in 5th grade, things are a lot different. Earlier this year, this little boy cussed in class and the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her did she hear it and of course, my daughter didn’t lie and replied yes. Well, that made the little boy angry. He waited for all the class to be walking in the hallway and came up beside her and whispered, “I want to stab you to death”. Of course when she came home and told me about it, I could not just sit by and do nothing. The way things are in the world today, you can’t take anything lightly that people say. Because the truth is, kids do bring weapons to school and they do outrageous things. The principles got involved and he was punished with severity.

Yesterday, I get a call from the bus driver who was concerned for my daughter. There are two 8th graders that have been bullying her and other students came forward to the bus driver and told him they felt bad for my daughter and told the bus driver the two boys names. The bus driver plans on following through with the principals on Tuesday to make sure that the boys are severely punished for what they have been doing. However, the other students that came forward were also concerned for my daughter’s well-being. They said they also overheard her say that if those boys didn’t leave her alone, that she was going to kill herself. When I hear this, it makes my heart sink. It makes me want to wrap her up and never let her go. It makes me want to find these two boys and beat them till they’re not moving!

When we confronted our daughter about what was happening, we did it with the utmost sincerity in order to not push her away. We wanted her to understand that we are always here for her and to never ever keep anything like that from us. To always come and tell us when something like that is happening. When we asked her about the part where she said she would harm herself, she denied it. Just like I knew she would. We told her that she would never be in trouble for something like that. We would never love her any less, and we only wanted to be able to understand her better. We only want her to be able to come to us with full honesty and openness and know that we will always be on her side. Nothing worked. She told the truth about being bullied, but would not talk about saying she would harm herself.

By the end of the conversation, I was crying, she was crying, and we had agreed to believe her in saying that she did not say she would harm herself. I couldn’t believe I was having to have this conversation with my almost 11 year old. My heart was broken. My heart is broken. I am angry. I am sad. I feel defeated. I just want to know that she doesn’t feel sad. I just want to know that I am doing everything a mother can do to be there for her daughter. I just want her to never feel as though she is alone in anything. Because she is not. I want to crowd around her and never take my eyes off of her. But I can’t do that. Somehow, I have got to find a trust that I have taught her how to make good decisions and that I have taught her that she is loved so much by so many. I want to find these children’s parents and beat them. I want to beat their children for stripping my daughter of what little bit of innocence that she has left. For showing her just how ugly this horrible world can be. For showing her assholes come in all ages.

I will focus even more of me on her from now on. I will continue to ask her everyday…How was your day? Did anyone hurt you? Has anyone mistreated you? Are you happy? And other people will probably continue to be assholes. But in my prayers, and as a mother, I have to believe that she will be strong. She will continue to be amazing, wonderful, and smart. She will excel and one day be on top of the world looking down at how pathetic they are. Because they spent so much time being evil that they made nothing of their lives. And we will stand together smiling. Because we made it. We are a family. Not broken permanently by people that don’t matter. Words are just that, words. And we will conquer this. These individuals will mean nothing to us. They try to tear us down, but we only get stronger. She is young. She shouldn’t have to feel this way. She should be completely happy, but that is just not the way the world works. It is a cruel place. It is full of cruel people. But we, together, will survive it.

Where Do I Fit In?

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Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on

I get so tired of pondering the same question inside of my head! I have became emotionally spent in so many ways, that I don’t have time for anything else in my head. The only positive ways the New Year has affected me is I have began to focus solely on my daughter. She is the only happiness I feel. I get up in the morning now, and she actually allows me to cook her breakfast. (It gives me purpose) I do it, even when I don’t feel good, or am so tired that I don’t want to. She gets herself ready, asks me how she looks, and of course, she always looks so beautiful! When I look at her, it is the only time I feel I have a purpose. Was she the only purpose for my life? Maybe. If so, I have became completely content with that to an extent. However, I feel like I am missing something. All I do is stay in my sweat pants all day and smoke cigarettes.  I am ashamed.

I feel ashamed for my husband to be married to me. Truly I do. Some days, I just wish he would ask me for a divorce so I could spare him living out the rest of his life with me. But he doesn’t. He just keeps loving me. There are things I ask of him to change to make our marriage happier, more manageable, But things that I ask him to change seem to keep getting worse. I know one thing for sure, Love Is Not Enough! It never was. It never will be. You see, love is an action. So many people forget that. They think love is a feeling. Feelings will lie to you! They are most of the time a figment of our imagination that we worked up for that moment. That’s why action is so important. If things are constantly staying the same in your relationships, even if it’s good, then there is no action, no futuristic planning, no hopes, no dreams, no goals. There comes a time where you have to look at that and think, well, this isn’t working. Do I want to be complacent in my life? Do I want to move forward? I know I do! But I just don’t know how. And in a marriage, I will tell you at least one fact, you can’t move forward without the other half! If they are complacent and unwilling to move from that spot, unwilling to budge, unwilling to admit fault, unwilling to listen when you are sharing a feeling, then my friend you are in an actionless marriage! You have to ask yourself: Do they know what love is? Do I? Am I admitting faults? Am I doing my part? Am I working on myself enough? Am I encouraging this person in positive ways? Is there anything else I can work on?

Something I have learned on a personal level is to stop telling people outside of marriage any of my problems. Even when you are there for them wholeheartedly and give them your undivided attention, they don’t want to hear you. Eventually, everyone turns on you if you share too much. They show their true colors. You will feel abandoned and even less  fulfilled than when you first shared with them. You will see sides of them you wished you never did, but you will also be glad you did because it’s a great lesson learned. I am closing up. Because you see, I never have been that kind of friend to let someone know that I am tired of hearing their same problems. I pay attention when someone has chosen me to confide in. I do not turn my back on them. I would never take someone and beat them down further when clearly, they are already carrying around immense pain. But not all people are the same. One thing I am is honest. If I am having a day where I just don’t think I can handle anyone else’s stuff, I either don’t answer the phone, or I have even told that person that I am dealing with a lot of stress or that I am feeling overwhelmed and ask them politely to not share their debacle or struggle with me on that particular day. I make sure they understand, however, that I love them and I am not trying to hurt them in any way. Because people have not treated me the same, it is hard for me to continue being this faithful friend. I have become alone…inside myself, where I feel safe. I have regressed. I want no interaction with anyone. I do not wish to share with them ever again. I feel like a business closing it’s doors. No more.

I am trying to pull out of this hole. Because in this hole, everything around me is falling apart. I don’t know where I fit in, but I know I won’t let someone else decide that answer for me! I won’t let them take what little bit of direction I have left.