Faith and Forgiveness

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I feel adrift in this crazy world,

Never knowing what’s coming next.

Being pulled in every direction,

Mostly feeling vexed.

I often feel as if I am on the outside looking in,

Never making up for things I’ve done,

Never feeling a win.

But there’s a hope within me,

And a love that grows each day.

A light like sunshine,

That floods in to extinguish the gray.

I’m clinging to an optimism,

that maybe it’s not too late.

And a prayer that after forgiveness,

I can start with a clean slate.

I’m feeling undeserving,

In the most vulnerable way.

The fight is on for survival,

The fear must subside today.

On my knees begging,

For the chance to show some change.

Whatever I have to do,

And fully prepared to fully rearrange.

So, I’ll walk through this door,

with faith instead of worry.

For once try and slow my mind down,

And not be in such a hurry.

Laying my insides out,

And stop living for everyone else.

Fighting away a doom that makes me want to shout,

Finally placing procrastination on a shelf.

No matter the outcome,

I’m still here in the now.

Thankful for the blessings,

And not questioning the why and the how.

I will love til my last breath,

asking everyone to not be sad.

So incredibly grateful for family and lessons,

Not spending another single second mad.

I encourage you to be raw and open,

And to never waste each chance.

And to never give up, no matter what,

Life is fleeting, love is priceless, and our time here on this earth one big and beautiful dance.

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Poetic Epiphany

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Not a soul in the world knows her pain,

Not a soul in the world hears her scream.

Alone is a word she is comforted by.

It’s a familiarity.

The shivers of the cold world can not be shaken.

And she doesn’t need the blanket of a lie repetitively told.

If the runaway train continues to run,

She will not chase the tracks.

And she will bury herself amongst the most

loneliest of poets.

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Seeing Red..

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I see red in the faces,

Of strangers passing on the street.

And red in their shadows,

As they shuffle all their feet.

There’s red in the vomit,

That spews from their mouths.

And you can see the panic on their faces,

Knowing in this red cage, there is no way out.

I see red in the carnage,

This sad world leaves in its wake.

And I see red in its actions,

As it gives less than it takes.

You see red all around her,

Choking away her bright blue eyes.

No one hears, and no one sees her,

As the darkness muffles her cries.

I see red drip from her teeth,

As she claws through another day.

You see a pretty picture,

And then turn the other way.

I see red in the mystery,

Of what hides behind each smile.

And I see red in the blue skies,

As I climb on another mile.

Tip your hat and mask the splatter,

As you smear each smudge away.

Wipe the red lipstick you woke up in,

Freshen up, and start the day.

See each red in all its glory,

Knowing the misery’s intact.

Live each day with every scar like a battle,

Lady warrior, loner, ready for war and the attack.

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Hug Me Mama

Hold me Mama,

I can’t hide anymore.

I’m scared and alone,

And my whole body’s sore.

Hug me tight,

I need every ounce of love and care,

Even though in the past I didn’t let you.

I’m saying out loud, it’s different now,

And I need all that you can spare.

Can I be little, just once more?

And let you brush my hair?

Let’s go to one more yard sale,

Drive up to a lookout and just stare.

Forgetting for even a moment,

The days ahead that will take up the room.

And all of the sadness, and most of all,

the darkness and gloom.

Hold me Mama.

I need you to see,

How beautiful I think you are,

And just how much you mean to me.

I forgive you Mama.

Can you forgive me?

For not seeing the sadness,

And the way you’ve grown weak in your knees?

Can you tell me you believe in me?

And I made you full of pride?

Even though I’ve accomplished nothing,

And couldn’t even make it as a bride?

Can you tell me stories of the times things were good?

Or tell me what’s gonna happen, if things don’t turn out the way they should?

Hug me Mama.

I need something, anything today.

Before the days slip away from us,

And all hope has gone array.

I love you Mama.

Sick or not, it will always ring true.

Even when I’m sad,

And tears stream down my baby blues.

I’m here Mama.

Still here, writing these words.

Struggling to drive to the store, and trying to focus,

As I take these sharp curves.

I just smiled and spit my drink Mama,

Thinking of all the times I’ve pranked you.

And how wrecked your nerves must be by now when I’m around,

Thinking I’m always near the corner,

Jumping out with airhorns, trying to get a rise or two.

I hope you’re well Mama.

I’m thinking of you today.

I love you Mama,

In every form, always and forever,

Yesterday and today.

Deserving of Nothing

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I am a heartbreaker

Standing and swaying by myself

I am that dusty, dangerous book

You make sure to purposely leave on the shelf.

I am an acidic weakness

Yet, you still feel a pull

Beating on your chest and fooling you slowly

Setting all the fires, leaving ashes and crippling every rule.

My footsteps leave soot in their wake

And every flip of my hair, a rope with a noose

If you know what’s good, stay away for heaven’s sake,

In the end, I shouldn’t be the one you choose.

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But there’s another side of me

That sits innocently, a victim of my own soul.

Constantly leaving destruction in my own wake,

Always consuming, but never leaving me whole.

Yearning to feel pure love,

Not deserving at all.

Seeming to trip so close to it,

But a magnetic pull always keeping me from the fall.

I want to dance around in a long dress,

And feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.

Float around without worry, sexy and limitless,

Just one day without doom.

But alas I’m a heartbreaker,

hips swaying in a walk away.

Braving shadows alone, no permanent takers,

Shattered pieces, beautiful decay….

Here One Day, Gone the Next

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When all the noise around me quiets,

and everyone has gone away,

I kissed you once, I remember,

so I think back on that day.

You brushed the hair away from my brow,

I had used to hide my eyes.

I bowed my head and turned my neck,

hoping you would not see the tears I had cried.

When you pulled away, I hit the floor,

knowing it would never be the same.

And I couldn’t even fathom,

the feeling of loneliness, that would soon be mine to gain.

Oh look, how these stars now taunt me,

the cracks in the moon crease up my skin.

I’m melting from the inside out,

thinking I’ll never see you again.

The sun boils my blood,

and festers my mood,

so I keep myself so busy,

that I won’t have time to notice how much has changed,

and or how our love seems to always make me dizzy.

Will we be the lovers standing in the kitchen,

holding on for dear life?

Or strangers in the dead of night,

loving coldly, cutting through life like walking around like dull knives?

Hold me, where are you?

I’m reaching out, running through this maze.

Don’t leave me here,

you hear me screaming,

love me still,

even in our daze…..

Yes

person embroidering by hand on white textile
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I love you..

How big is the picture when you say that to someone?

Is it enough?

Is it too much?

Does it travel distances?

Does it endure through time?

Does it withstand what a trial can do to it?

Does it climb through obstacles?

Do you think of it before you drift off to sleep?

Do you drink it up when you open your eyes from a slumber?

Do you carry it with you through out your ages?

Do you carry it with you as you withstand loss?

And can it carry through life’s changes?

And in the end, do you crossover with it intact?

My answers, so far, for these questions for you, my one and only true love, is yes.

And I look forward to answering the rest as life moves on.

Will you travel through these times with me?

Can I take care of you?

Will you take care of me?

Can I count on you to hold me close when I am falling?

Can you believe me when I say you’ll never fall for long?

If I told you I would stop breathing without you, would you give me the breath from your lungs?

And would you believe me if I said I hold a gasp of air reserved just to rescue you?

Would you spend your life with me if I surrounded you with comfort?

And in turn, would you provide me with your comfort as well?

I want to give you all these things, and in turn, you give them in return.

Hold my hand my love, let us live this life as one.

Misery Loves Company (9-27-17)

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And I can feel his whisper on the side of my neck…

Moving up like a cold, dripping wet goosebump..

When it reaches my ear, it cries out, “take me”

In that moment, with his whispers, I am lit on fire, yet calm and for the first time in what

seems like centuries, free.

He touches me, and all I can think of is melting into him…

When he speaks, I want more of the knowledge he hides deep inside.

When he kisses me, I feel as though I don’t even want to breathe, unless it’s the breath

from his mouth, the air from his lungs.

This fervent attack on one another seems to be instantaneous, and nothing can stop it…

Like a beast in the shadows,

always waiting to connect two souls so rare,

that even the most wise wouldn’t have

thought existed…

But the beast, she is also cruel.

For she hid within the shadows much too long.

And in turn, these two souls have been separated by time, by circumstance, and now join

her in the shadows to connect.

The beast, I assume was miserable, and could bare her darkness no more, and chose to

then bring these souls together, in the dark..

But one day, I will feel this whisper on my neck in the light..

I will breathe the air from your lungs,

with early morning dew falling onto the tip

of my nose..

I will melt into you while the sunlight glimmers over our freedom skin.

And I will be whole..
And for the first time, I will not just tell you I love you.

I will show you out loud.

And this beast shall be cast back to her shadow to be doomed to a life of darkness..

But the two souls shall be forever interwoven and nothing will ever stop them or come between them again..

Not even the beast, who in her misery,selfishly kept true love at bay for her own devices.
After all, misery loves company..

This Love is My Forever (6-25-18)

i hate nothing about you with red heart light
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Each day she yearns for him,

And his perfect touch.

And each day she must be without him,

Becomes a little too much.

She can see their future,

Like it’s staring her right in the face.

She tries to connect the missing pieces,

and struggles to find her place.

He gives her hope that all the numbness

could get weaker,

And in return, he says he loves her, which

makes her fall deeper.

If anyone were to ask her,

what she sees when someone says love,

she’d quickly say his incredible name, and the father above.

She fights to get her freedom, and finally

remove all the tethers.

Because she won’t hesitate to say to the world,

that with him, she would spend forever.

My love, sit down and relax, and put up your feet.

Your day has been long, full of stress, and the mountains so steep.

Let me cook you a meal, and massage your back.

Always encourage you, and keep you on track.

Let me kiss you each day, and remind you

that love is here always.

And let me stand by you forever, for the

rest of both of our days.

Can you see it? I can. Each day lived out fully.

And each day, my love grows stronger,

As well as these forces that pull me.

Always look at me, exactly the way that you look

at me right now.

With those beautiful dark eyes.

Loving me in silence,

with an abounding vow.

I’ll never give up on you, and you do the same.

And this love will defeat darkness, doom and gloom,

Always and eternity,

For all our remaining days….

Dress of Pain (5-17-18)

silhouette of man standing on grass field during night time
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Smile my dear, they say

As she peels her eyes open to another day.

Not girly, but her dress of pain,

flows around and around, and the anchors,

her train.

Bouncing around, arms in the air,

letting it all go,

rain falling on her face, going with the flow.

Waters full of chemicals, burning her skin, 

and people trying to reach and help her,

but she’s not letting them in.

Her body has turned against her,

sores and wounds lie open, and it bleeds

infected memories, filling her soul with

the blood of her past and until its emptied,

she’ll never truly be free.

Look at the crown of lovely, they place on her soft hair.

Try and cover the ugly.

Paint it up, brush it down, it just doesn’t seem fair.

Stop wishing she would come around, and

leave her where she lays.

She’ll either get up or die,

And it may not be today.

So, go on, move forward spinning,

she dances to that music too;

An anthem of the chaos,

that has always rang true.

Spinning round and round, in this dress of pain….