Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Peace In The City

Who wouldn’t love this view? Right? I have slipped into a dress up scheme for myself while being here. Today, I am the southern ‘Carrie Bradshaw’. Last night, I washed my hair, got a decent night’s sleep, and this morning, I even made it downstairs in time for the breakfast that broke my wallet for the stay here.

The decor was nothing if not exquisite. Once done eating, I decided to do a natural southern Saturday activity. Yard sales. I only went to two, but I found the most adorable shoes and jewelry. More importantly, I was instantly reminded of the real reason that I actually like to frequent yard sales. The company, the companionship, and the stories. I met two different women today.

The first yard sale, I met a wonderful woman in her 60s who was fast-coasting towards retirement and trying to hang on at her job to 67 to get the full effect of her retirement she had worked so hard for. Her friend showed up and the 3 of us laughed and talked about real-life stuff that was really relevant in all three of our lives. I honestly didn’t want to leave them. I craved the company, but I didn’t dare wear out my welcome. They are the ones who told me there was a close of house sale at the end of the street.

I drove down about a block and a half and sure enough, there was my second and final yard sale, mostly because I had already almost spent the $40 I had allotted for myself for yard sales. This nice lady sat at a table with a sister and a granddaughter and chain-smoked, which I admit, grossed me out having just quit back in October of last year. However, I digress because the conversation was worth biting through.

The sale they were having was at their grandmother’s house. They were probably in their 50s. I found cool jewelry there and found out the main seller of the yard sale made it by hand and was sitting at the table teaching her granddaughter to make it.

I spoke to them about having not long ago been a part of the sale of my own grandparents house. Which led to telling them that I had lost my grandparents and my mom back to back. Once telling them how my mom passed away, the sister pointed at the other lady and said that she too was a type 2 diabetic and was not taking care of herself. This, if you haven’t caught on, is what led to my mother’s passing.

I immediately felt an urgency to beg her to take care of herself and take every second of it so seriously. And before I knew it, I was saying it out loud to her. She received it well and actually seemed concerning when I explained to her that it was a most unpleasant passing to witness and be a part of, made much worse being my sweet mother.

Next was an uneventful trip to walmart and then back here to my hotel. I need to mention that although having two umbrellas in the car, not a one was inside walmart with me and I got drenched running to my car.

Back at the hotel, I decided to change into one of the very cute shirts I had purchased and go get a few things out of the car. It’s so beautiful how a cute outfit can make you feel good about yourself. And it did. I mean, it is, currently.

Here I sit, in a gorgeous location outside the corner of the hotel, with a beautiful view of the architecture and seemingly religious stain-glassed windows, writing.

So, how might this night end or what could it turn into? I look forward to sharing that soon…..

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney · 1 Comment

I Stayed For The Flowers

I can admit that this is not where I saw myself being at when I look back 7 to 8 years ago. I honestly would have thought that I would finally be living my happily ever after. But alas, that is not at all where I sit. No, I sit in a hotel…alone. There’s no vacation amiss, there’s no couple escape, and I’m not here to visit a friend. I’m here desperately seeking some remnants of peace. I have never been so weighted down in every area of my life all at the same time. It’s though the weight of a skyrise building is sitting on top of me.

To make things more soaked with dark clouds, I have been unable to write since my mother passed away almost 2 years ago.

I have died inside over and over since 2021. My heart has been trampled on by every force you could think up. And I could never even make it up. It’s real and I wish it wasn’t. Loneliness, bad health news and changes, betrayal, death, abandonment…. You name it, it has rolled me under an 18-wheeler in a back and forth motion for 4 years.

I have never experienced feeling at the same time so scared, and feeling so unwanted and unloved sitting at this hotel tonight. I’m admitting out loud right now finally, at almost 41 years old, that I want what I deserve. I’m not sure everything that should be on that list, but I know for sure that at the least, currently, that I know I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel like I am not faulted for being scared or being who I am. I deserve to express what has hurt me, and when I am sad. I deserve to be comforted. I deserve romance. I deserve respect and honor. I deserve to be protected when I am in danger, and I deserve to be loved the way that I love.

I’m standing outside my room right now overlooking the pool writing this. Down by the pool, of all things that could be going on, is bounds of laughter and community. I met some of them down in the lobby today. You see, there’s a beautiful wedding going to happen tomorrow. I am just so grateful that it’s not going to be here. It’s enough to hear them all laughing and discussing love while reminiscing about all of their histories and relationships. I am not salty about them. I believe in love. I am just not 100% I have ever understood it. Ever. Right when I think I am experiencing exactly what love should feel like for me, the entire rug gets swiped right out from under me.

I have a home. I know I am not there right now, but I do have one. Well, I did. I don’t know if I have one anymore. A part of me hopes I do. The other part of me doesn’t know if it was ever truly a real home. Every year there has been spent one moment in absolute turmoil, and then the next minute having make up days for all the turmoil and then wash, rinse, and repeat.

I have spent years helping make that house into a home. It has one of the most beautiful porches I have ever had the pleasure of helping make an actual porch for a home. It’s my favorite thing to enjoy and look at at that house. Picture rocking chairs, a swing, and flowers, flowers, and garden everywhere. When things are really bad, sometimes I wonder to myself, am I staying for the flowers? It is a prominent question I have pondered to myself many many times.

How could I not have all of these things running through my mind, right? I mean, after all, I wouldn’t be in this hotel if the turmoil had not became just too much for me to literally bare anymore.

I have loved him since day one. I used to be able to say it has never faltered, my love. But one can only have unwavering love for so long without the same reciprocation before they cave in and collapse. After a barrel of betrayal, questioning why I am not enough, and realizing that literally no one around me cares if drop unconscious right in front of them due to arguing, stress and anger because of very serious health issues that are happening right now, I met my limit that I could no longer look in the face. All I could think is to get by myself so I could stop from instantly collapsing.

I’m sure you’re wondering if has gotten any better? The short answer is no. No one has ever considered me worth it enough to chase me proving their love for me. So, I have booked two more days. How ironic it is that I will check out on Memorial Day.

There’s a gorgeous bar here, and because of my health, I can’t have a single drink. I would love to be sitting here writing this with a glass of wine.

Today, instead of sweet nothing texts, he did what I thought he would do based on his behavior as of late. By the afternoon, in the few texts we have sent each other, I could instantly tell that his mood and view had changed. All of sudden, the space that I need, and the care that I need, took a backseat as usual and it became about the space that he needed and the anguish that he was feeling. It’s not that his feelings don’t matter. That’s the point. It seems as though only his feelings ever matter. I feel small. I feel less than in his eyes. Sometimes I think he’s only with me out of pity and the inability to ask me to leave. Even though he just “proposed” to me less than 2 months ago. When I really think about it, I am being put through a tailspin. Do you want me all the time? Or do you only want me when I am sick or things are seemingly good? Please tell me because I am crumbling like a rockslide. You can only have me if you love all of me.

You can not erupt every time things get hard. I have loved you and cared for you wholeheartedly through all of your darkest times and I would continue to, even right now, if you can do the same. That is why I am here at this hotel. And the reason it might have took so long to take this space could maybe, possibly be…..that I stayed for the flowers.