Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Tissues And Syrup

It’s lonely at this table

And the microwave just beeped

I’m trying to eat while I am able

But it’s not stopping this pit digging deep

Every chew breeds a memory

That is slowly decomposing

And the future flashes in front of me

As I can feel this chapter closing

I cried into these waffles

That I shoveled in forcefully

Every feeling like fossils

Years later someone will discover and see

But I feel I will be withered away

Long gone by the time they dig

I just keep sitting here waiting and feeling in the way

Like karma’s guinea pig

The longer I sit here

The thicker the concrete dries around the good in me

And I am absolutely riddled with fear

As it’s sunny outside, but inside I can only hear thundering

It’s a constant paranoia like a repeating ticking of a clock

And my last bit of patience and empathy is wavering

As I feel I have given everything that I’ve got

And all hope I may have had is tapering

This syrup feels like molasses running down my throat

And the passage for anything to go down seems to be narrowing

My mind drifts right back out to that storm-raged ocean on that deeply worn boat

And this love I felt unrequited feels so harrowing

They’ll say I snapped and just went crazy

Not speaking of everything that led me out to sea

They’ll never speak of the love that I had to give before it all so got hazy

Or the life that was sucked out of me

I yearned for you to see how mentally and emotionally I was shredded apart

As I literally begged to be loved and seen while being used up with every jab

This love of mine was never quite enough, and there was a reckless abandonment of my heart

Until exhaustion took over, and my entire sanity was up for grabs

And it seemed like the more I tried to get you to see me, the more I seen of you

Until the person who stood before me was this stranger who took me to battle bloodshed

I have believed when no one else did, and I loved with parts of me until I turned blue

I fought and loved you through every chapter, until most of me is now dead

Everything in me feels heartbreak and loss that I didn’t deserve

To now have to author a story that I never really chose

And since there’s no one out there fighting for me, no partner left to serve

I know now all that’s left for me to find love and be loved is to bring this chapter to a close……

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Bottomless Bottom

woman in white dress falling on gray concrete floor
Photo by Tim Grundtner on Pexels.com

​This period of transition and heartache in the current era of my life is a definition of cruel that I have never experienced before. 

They say before you can climb to the top, or realize that you even need to, you must hit a “rock bottom”.

It’s crazy. Because my life has seemingly been a serious of these horrible bottoms. Each one a little bit worse than the one before. Only, all the ones before now, were bottoms where I sat at the bottom of the hole alone.

This one is different. It’s like I had multiple people chained to my ankles and when it was time to fall, they were victims of circumstance.

There’s two ways I could view it….

First way….

Someone has my life on a bottomless pit repeat, kind of like the movie groundhog day, and these bottoms have no seize..

Second way..

One day, after I am drug through the mud, suffocated, and drained of every tear I am capable of crying, there’s is one amazing top I am going to reach.

I pray for the latter. I actually yearn for it. I am so tired. Truly I am. I do not know how much I can withstand. I won’t say I can’t withstand anymore, because the truth is, I have literally been beaten, sexually assaulted as a child, raped more than once as a teen, homeless, isolated, unloved, stripped of everything I had more than once, cursed with what seems like an unloveable soul,  and I have seen dark things that I can’t explain.. nor would anyone believe even if I tried to, and recently, almost lost my daughter…… yet I am still here.

I suppose God or fate is not done with me yet. I don’t know what lies ahead. It scares me when I think of what else I may have to withstand, and honestly, it will take strength I know that I don’t currently have. But I know that I want love to be involved, even if I do not fully understand all types of it. The love as a mother, I fully embrace and experience, but the love as a lover is one that I have always yearned for, but never fully grasped. But it’s been clearly depicted so far, that the latter is so far, not in the works for me. I pray that when and if it is, that that lover will dream of me, and we can meet on this battlefield with our white flags, embrace, and never…EVER again let go.

Until then, I’ll light a candle at the bottom of this hole so I can continue to dig out with some slight visability, and I will try my best to focus on the things I am digging for.