And I have dawned these great dark seas and jungles before
They have long come for me. I have twisted in their wrath and shook in their cold as the sweat of their toxins ran down my brow
You who seeks to protect me while destroying me, what are you truly seeking?
For your paranoia has made you a fool. A tyrant, yeast in its palm.
Calling yourself holy while riddled with holes seeping poison.
I am the keeper of this forest of green. My winds are strong, the brown of my dirt is beastly, and the shake of my ground is earth shattering.
So, who are you to call upon my land? You bring your dented sword to fight the poachers while simultaneously leading them straight to my centers.
Sometimes you want so much to be the keeper, to be the wrath of good, to be the honest gallant, but find that while fighting these hard battles and stepping with agony through each field, that you are the villain you’ve been running from.
So, step aside and let this evil you bring with you come for me. Kneel while they tear me flesh from flesh. Turn away your head while gnash my teeth away.
Let. Them. Come.
For they know who I am.
I have spent much in solitude in preparation for your treachery.
My heart guarded with the thickest of water from the deepest and darkest seas.
If I fall in defeat, you will still be there kneeling, and you and your army will be swallowed by my earth. You will drown in the water of my roots and in turn, revive me again.
And there I shall be in my forest of green yet again, with you beneath my beastly brown, and sentenced to a lifetime of earthquakes beneath my worn feet.
It’s amazing when a hard, unexpected rain falls down, that that’s right when you have no umbrella. Life is very much like that. Family is very much like that. And most of all, love is very much like that.
In theory, most want love and family, friends and a social life, and great success in life. However, there are some of us out there that find it profoundly moot to follow the same path over and over expecting different results.
It’s absolutely exhausting trying so hard to complete a pattern in your life with a fruitful end. True colors always show, and not many are truly capable of being selfless over selfish, although there are a select few, I will even admit. And in this real world, well, that’s a definitely deal breaker, being on the weighted selfish side of the stomping.
So, here I sit, alone per usual. Obviously a little bitter, and maybe even borderline pouting, and not afraid at all of expressing it. Currently extremely doubtful of a crowd-filled future, and seeing clearly the value and stone coldness of truth. But also humbled by the experience.
I’ve turned all of the lights off in my house. I’m quite sure it’s for multiple reasons. One being that I am all but nearing jump off of the cliff of losing everything, and lights turned off equals less power being used on planet USA. [Insert the echoes of my grandfather’s voice scolding me to turn the lights off at 10, here.]
However, I would say the reason that takes precedence over all others would be the fact that here, alone in this house, I wanted only the glow of the candles I have lit. Or the topper lit up at the top of my undecorated Christmas tree. I can bare no more light than that on this bitter night. It makes me feel less small, less abandoned, less sad.
And now, take part in this pity party with me.
I have never experienced such a deafness in my small world, as those around you hearing your cries of sadness and projected fear, and merely turning their head as if there’s something God-awful in my teeth. But, I regress. I, probably more than anyone, know that there are some paths in your life that are roughly designed for one. And I wholly and wildly accept that.
I also acknowledge that I’ve spent a huge majority of my life purposely pushing people away, needing isolation and enjoying being alone. But when you are sick, it’s different feeling. There is a complete difference in enjoying being alone, and being so very lonely. I realize that now more than ever. It’s humbling. A truly faith-sucking experience and not personally recommended by me for self-revelation.
I love everyone. But in another way, I have given up on everyone. I don’t expect them to understand. Because I never allowed them to, and that’s my own fault. They mean the world to me, in ways they couldn’t possibly understand. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I feel entirely let down, and lost on how to fix that. I would find it easier to go back in time and do it differently, rather than try and fix it now.
I guess, all I can really do is keep continuing to press on as I have. Remaining strong for the one person I have here looking to me to make sure everything stays ok. Even though, deep down, I don’t even know what that means anymore. I’m not truly angry or as bitter as I let on. I love everyone fully with my entire heart. And honestly, I know the trials of life can take us in 50 different directions. We get caught up in our own stuff, and sometimes, we forget that maybe there’s someone out there, very close to us, suffering, scared, and just needing to be told, “Hey, I am here, and I love you.” And, “You’re doing good.”
Well, I am here. And I love you. And you’re doing amazing. Whoever you are out there reading this….
You can go your whole life and think you know someone. Hell, you can go your entire life and think you know yourself. The truth is, humans are everchanging. We are weak creatures. Even the seemingly strong. No matter what breed of human we are, we have human emotions. They are cruel. They are sorcery. Truly. And they will constantly lie to you.
Every time I get by myself, I try and contemplate choices I have, emotions I have, even people I have. It’s hard. Truly, you have to admit to yourself that no one is ever there right when you need them. And if your life has been a struggle, such as mine, no one is there…ever.
But when you live a life such as that in a constant, you learn to cope with those facts. Your choices revolve around what you can do to move forward. Not what other people can do for you. And it can be beneficial. Sad, but beneficial. Lonely, but after each struggle, rewarding.
We pay for the things we create. Chaos, pain, sadness, etc. No matter how much time goes by, we pay. We burn bridges, and I mean set them afire. Watch them burn with smiles on our faces, and then years later, wish we could cross over them one more time. We are selfish beings.
As parents, we raise our children, all the while destroying them. Turning them into next generation selfish humans. We try and protect them, so much that we harm them. And sometimes as parents, we give up for a moment, thinking they would be better off without us. No decision we make seems good enough. And their smiles are sometimes only in pictures, no matter how much you tried to make it different.
We begin to believe that this world is not for us. Period. Plain and simple. Giving in seems like a freedom we’ve been searching for our entire lives. We don’t tell anyone, but sometimes in silence, we dream of closing our eyes and maybe sleeping forever. We look at that child. We don’t want to leave them, but this world is taking them from us. Our own foolish mistakes and mishaps have taken them from us.
So, when we kiss them goodnight, or talk on the phone, we hold onto that moment. Just in case. Just in case we go and sleep in peace for a little longer than normal.
Their little faces replay over and over in our minds, and every day, sometimes every minute, is a choice to keep fighting for them.
So, we woke up today. We may only be existing, but we are awake. And the fight goes on. And we’ll put that goodbye away in silence for a little longer.
Children, no matter what, take heed, we carry a love for you that you will only ever understand if you bear a child yourself. And love is not always easy. Smile once more, for it is a reward we look for in the darkest of moments. And we are counting on it.