And I have dawned these great dark seas and jungles before
They have long come for me. I have twisted in their wrath and shook in their cold as the sweat of their toxins ran down my brow
You who seeks to protect me while destroying me, what are you truly seeking?
For your paranoia has made you a fool. A tyrant, yeast in its palm.
Calling yourself holy while riddled with holes seeping poison.
I am the keeper of this forest of green. My winds are strong, the brown of my dirt is beastly, and the shake of my ground is earth shattering.
So, who are you to call upon my land? You bring your dented sword to fight the poachers while simultaneously leading them straight to my centers.
Sometimes you want so much to be the keeper, to be the wrath of good, to be the honest gallant, but find that while fighting these hard battles and stepping with agony through each field, that you are the villain you’ve been running from.
So, step aside and let this evil you bring with you come for me. Kneel while they tear me flesh from flesh. Turn away your head while gnash my teeth away.
Let. Them. Come.
For they know who I am.
I have spent much in solitude in preparation for your treachery.
My heart guarded with the thickest of water from the deepest and darkest seas.
If I fall in defeat, you will still be there kneeling, and you and your army will be swallowed by my earth. You will drown in the water of my roots and in turn, revive me again.
And there I shall be in my forest of green yet again, with you beneath my beastly brown, and sentenced to a lifetime of earthquakes beneath my worn feet.
I wanna dwell in war torn streets, where my environment fits my chaos. That’s the way I see the world. Scavenging for basic necessities. Giving up on the mainstream fruits of life so the pressures of that life leave me. A dented can I feel like, kicked around as someone’s fun game, and even in that, I feel as though everything will seem like home.
I saw two dogs today, stray I suppose, playing their hearts out in the middle of nowhere. I remember saying to my daughter, “Look, even in someone’s saddest of times, and lowest of seasons, they can find a reason to be happy, even if only briefly.” I’m not sure if I believed it as I was even saying it, but I wanted to. And more than that, I wanted her to.
She told me that she didn’t know what it was, but at the beginning of fall, and the cold season, and the beginning of spring, she always felt nostalgia. As she drove us home, she asked me if I felt the same. I nodded my head as I stared at the sunset and a single tear secretly dripped down the side of my face that she could not see. I thought to myself, and then told her, “you know, I haven’t gotten to enjoy many sunsets in a long time, because it’s always me driving these roads, but it’s your turn now.” I leaned forward as much as I could, to bask in everything it had to offer. And I thought, I don’t have to pay anything for this. It’s free, and right now, it’s mine.
The pressures of making right for her seem too much at times, and yet, here I am; still dragging these heavy feet along. But I always think about it, a life without this trailer. Maybe some coffee over a fire, with the grounds still floating in it. Just the dusty streets and the forest. No sounds of cars and traffic, or people talking. Just a search for a little bit of food and water to forage, and a place to lie my head down in hopes that the next day will be just as quiet and bring blessings of portioned substance. A life that truly matches the chaos that fills my being.
Still, she pulls the car into our driveway, and we have to get out. I carry the little bit I afforded at the store, and try to smile and at least appreciate that she got the 2 yogurts she wanted, and I am sitting here now, writing, and also dreaming.
I don’t let myself dream beyond much more than these things. And it’s not that I don’t feel I deserve more. I don’t feel beyond that at all, not for myself at least. I’d be lying if I said I don’t for her though. I do. For me, I don’t allow myself to miss or envy things I’ve never experienced. What a sham that would be. I sit here now, paint severely chipped on my nails, stringy hair, and shoes on my feet that have walked many years with me. Yet, I’m content with these things for me, for now. I don’t want for more, but I never get far past the present day I sit in, and what challenges await me there. Day. By. Day. Never beyond that. If I could plan tomorrow, the seed would be empty of it, and unsafe for my focus.
My daughter teared up talking to me today. She told me her boyfriend was off shopping, spending $500 gifted to him by family. She was heartbroken that she herself, could not be afforded days like that, and never really has. Trust me, she has been gifted many things on Christmas and birthdays, for years to count. However, I knew what she meant. I couldn’t even buy her a thrift store shirt right now if I wanted to. My contentment for myself, is not the same as my contentment for her. I, in the face of her 15 years, have failed her greatly. I haven’t given up, but I say it out loud because I accept it. My hope is that someday, she could find a way to be proud of me for something. I hope I accomplish that in my lifetime. It’s on the top of a very short list of things I want.
I feel that one should dream the dreams of the kind of spirit your mind connects with. It may not be fancy things, or a lavish lifestyle. Maybe it’s just simply dreaming that one day, you’ll just simply be…okay. And that will be a freedom that will be more than this world could ever offer in things.
A forest that she has never stepped a single toe in.
This girl, but a fleeting breeze of wind in this forest.
She walks, her footsteps echoing through the trees. All the shimmers of light seemingly slowing down to a slow motion, as if stopping time, just for her.
This girl, doesn’t know where she is walking to, only that every time she is here, something pulls her.
One day, in this daydream, she finally walks enough to a place where she can see the most beautiful bluff ledge up ahead.
There are the most beautiful butterflies, birds, and creatures she does not recognize flying above it.
She begins to get the sudden urge to run towards it.
So, run she does.
While running, she is filled with thoughts of everything she has ever wanted to escape from and decides that when she gets to this ledge, she will not stop, but instead jump and finally be free from all that has chased her there.
Oh this girl, she has foreseen many ways that her time would come to pass, but never
one so beautiful as the final jump she would take.
As she runs, she feels a sort of spiritual weight begin to melt off of her. Almost faster than the sweat that now poured down her brow.
Tears begin to trickle down her face. She’s never been in so much pain, and yet, so much bliss at the same time.
Her end was nearing closer, and she couldn’t help but feel so at peace with it. It was a miraculous feeling to finally feel so free from the chains that had long rusted around her ankles, and shackles that had long caused the trimmers in her hands.
She began to feel this overwhelming anticipation that something magnificent was waiting for her in the unknown of her jump.
As if when she leapt, there would be no bottom to land.
Only a new beginning that she couldn’t explain, and an ending to everything she had known.
The ledge was within feet of her.
She said a final prayer, and a goodbye she’d hoped would find its way to those she’d cared for on the wings of these mysterious butterflies that had pulled her here.
This was it. It was time. She threw her arms open wide, a final tear streamed down her face, she exhaled one last time, and with a final smile, she leapt.
She leapt as high as the wind would carry her, soared, freedom was bliss, and…….
There is a girl.
Every daydream leads her to a forest.
A forest that she has never seen.
A forest that she has never stepped a single toe in.
This girl, but a fleeting breeze of wind in this forest.
She is sure, she will be back here tomorrow.
And the forest, it will be waiting…….
There is a girl
The Truth and the Lies of the Journey 