Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Tissues And Syrup

It’s lonely at this table

And the microwave just beeped

I’m trying to eat while I am able

But it’s not stopping this pit digging deep

Every chew breeds a memory

That is slowly decomposing

And the future flashes in front of me

As I can feel this chapter closing

I cried into these waffles

That I shoveled in forcefully

Every feeling like fossils

Years later someone will discover and see

But I feel I will be withered away

Long gone by the time they dig

I just keep sitting here waiting and feeling in the way

Like karma’s guinea pig

The longer I sit here

The thicker the concrete dries around the good in me

And I am absolutely riddled with fear

As it’s sunny outside, but inside I can only hear thundering

It’s a constant paranoia like a repeating ticking of a clock

And my last bit of patience and empathy is wavering

As I feel I have given everything that I’ve got

And all hope I may have had is tapering

This syrup feels like molasses running down my throat

And the passage for anything to go down seems to be narrowing

My mind drifts right back out to that storm-raged ocean on that deeply worn boat

And this love I felt unrequited feels so harrowing

They’ll say I snapped and just went crazy

Not speaking of everything that led me out to sea

They’ll never speak of the love that I had to give before it all so got hazy

Or the life that was sucked out of me

I yearned for you to see how mentally and emotionally I was shredded apart

As I literally begged to be loved and seen while being used up with every jab

This love of mine was never quite enough, and there was a reckless abandonment of my heart

Until exhaustion took over, and my entire sanity was up for grabs

And it seemed like the more I tried to get you to see me, the more I seen of you

Until the person who stood before me was this stranger who took me to battle bloodshed

I have believed when no one else did, and I loved with parts of me until I turned blue

I fought and loved you through every chapter, until most of me is now dead

Everything in me feels heartbreak and loss that I didn’t deserve

To now have to author a story that I never really chose

And since there’s no one out there fighting for me, no partner left to serve

I know now all that’s left for me to find love and be loved is to bring this chapter to a close……

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

On The Cusp of A Breakdown or Break-through

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I don’t know if these walls are getting smaller or if I am. Are they closing in or am I closing down? My mind is so weighted down, that I feel sick. I feel so unwell. More unwell than I have ever felt.

I want to mean something to someone. I wanna feel so wanted that it spews from my veins. I want to be surprised with a kiss so passionate that I feel dizzy when it slows to a stare. I need to be loved in a way that I feel safe for the first time in my life. How long have I waited? Waiting always….

I want to feel worth it. Worthy. Enough. Why is it so hard to do that? Why do I feel so small around everyone? There are stories you hear about people who cry out so loud that all at once, their voice is just..gone. I am shrinking smaller and smaller and grasping at straws for ways to keep moving.

It really doesn’t matter what I go through, and how hard those things are. People just assume that I will be ok and keep going and going like I am untouchable, unstoppable. Well, here’s a secret that evidently no one has figured out yet.. I am not bulletproof. And the holes have become so many that every secret and every ache and every pierce are seeping out every single one of them.

I have made excuses for my heartaches and I have tried to explain them away to protect the embarrassment of another failed attempt to love deeply and be loved deeply and entirely. However, I can not hide what I have no more room for inside of me.

I am sleeping alone every night now. Night after night, I go to bed wondering how much more silence I can endure. I am not alone in this house. Just in this bed, in my thoughts, in my heart, in this pain, and in a love that is not reciprocated in a way that I deserve. Because if it was, I wouldn’t be in this pain. I wouldn’t express it and not feel safe afterwards. There is no rescue. There is no Knight in shining armor. I can see, just like always, that they won’t fight for me, and that is enough to fully break me. What is so hard about it? Fight! Love me the way I deserve. Help me. I feel pathetic that I have begged for years for what is the bare minimum in love.

I feel like I am hiding in someone else’s house. Someone else’s life. And I am not welcome anymore. I am just another item in this house in the way. I should be stuffed in a bag or a box and donated or placed in that building. That way, everyone can do what I must be getting in the way of.

I’ve had a headache for going on 2 weeks now. I feel like I’m done. Done giving and giving and giving. I am officially pouring from an empty cup. By the end of this, I will be the new villain in the story. Not the person who has been bent and broken and drained of everything I was filled with.

Karma is a fickle little thing. They say that we get exactly what we deserve. Well, can you please tell them that I get it now, and I don’t need to learn anymore? Whoever they are…..

I don’t know why I cleaned this house. I don’t know why I am throwing all of my things away, things that have meant so much to me over the years. They don’t seem to mean anything to me now. Still, throwing them away still will never make it enough. It’s never enough. There’s always something after that I am doing wrong. Even my feelings are wrong and in the way.

Maybe by the end of this, I will breakthrough and get to light at the end of the tunnel. Lord knows it’s past time for a love that I truly deserve. But it’s different. It’s a love that is waiting at the end that is just for myself. Finally showing passion and intimacy and grace to myself that I have never been able to show before.

But I’m not there yet. I am in this room, alone day after day after day. Hurting and broken, and having to go through it in a breakdown…..

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

I Leave You With Everything and Nothing

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I feel as though there are a lot of forms of heartbreak one can feel in their time on this Earth. And I feel that way rather a life last 100 years, or if it’s cut short right in its prime. Some experience every form of it. And those are the people that hold the most truth and strength. However, unresolved, those are also the people that go on to cause great suffering around them. And on the opposite end, there are those who have been through each heartache, did the work to heal, and allow themselves to give fully again to experience the fullness of something. And if they ever cross paths with the first version and connect in absolute, it can be disastrous.

This world can hold so much sadness. However, one of the saddest to witness or experience, especially close to home, is to witness and/or experience someone that is so much of a dreamer, that they can no longer see clearly.

I flip back through notes, years’ worth, even one as recent as my very dark birthday. He spoke of hoping and praying to see and experience all of the adventures that were being written about amongst us. It makes me feel sorry for him reading it now. Because the secret part that I could always see and held knowledge of was the blissful fact that writing down those adventurous plans, were always part of the adventure.

Each and every word penned down, a grin on the face; those poetic verbiages, were part of the greatest adventure. And in that sense, knowing now, he missed them all. He missed our greatest adventures.

While he was dreaming of other lives, other adventures, even with other people, here I sat, penning down adventures of a lifetime. Bringing them to life, I penned down a manifesto. I was living every moment of bliss we were building and had built. Both by living them, and by poetic penmanship. I sat there fulfilled. You? Sad that one could miss every single one daydreaming of something better.

When enough isn’t enough, we miss the best parts of our lives.

And now? Well now, I grow old content and fulfilled. Because adventures, I have lived them. The greatest ones.

I also get to be the saddest. Because for years, I thought I was living out these adventures with the greatest of all soulmates. And now, I am slammed with a realization that I travelled miles and mountains with a ghost. A phantom man ran his hands through my hair. A phantom shivered up my spine as he shook my world.

I flew in the clouds as I hallucinated the greatest love of all time.

And you?

I feel pain for your soul. We get one life gifted to us by mother nature’s womb. As I grow content in the gray that forms in my sweet and worn scalp, you wrinkle in regret. Too much time living in your own needs of protection have robbed you and cost you all of the incredible journeys that were right in front of you.

They weren’t enough. For you. And now, they have come to pass and haunt you. Fantasy smoke has cleared, and bones aren’t as sturdy as they once were. Thrown aside when not benefiting you, all of the things and people left in your wake dust off and come to view you like a museum piece as they live on.

And when and if this ends, I will leave fulfilled. Because heaven knows, I lived every single second of every single one of the greatest journeys of my life.

But you…. What will you leave with?

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney · 4 Comments

The One

It’s the power in the breaking of a heart that can create the strength that opens your eyes.

It’s the revelation of a moment realized when you are taking that necessary time to be alone with yourself, so you can learn how to be alone with yourself.

It’s the confidence of the first step forward, when you finally stand on your own two feet once again.

It’s the strut in that step when you step back into the jump rope of life that kept on moving without you.

It’s the humbleness of faith, even when bad news stacks on top of bad news.

It’s the smile in the eyes, when you come across someone who completely steals your heart, when you never expected to share it with anyone again.

It’s the butterflies when you are finally face to face in the perfect moment, and your lonely lips meet another’s so sensually.

It’s the birds chirping on a superbly painted mountainside as you walk hand in hand down the trail.

It’s the dogs meeting, and it seeming like they had known each other since birth.

It’s the yearning for another moment when you are apart.

It’s the poetic justice of a finely swooped love letter.

It’s the sexy well-placed hand on your back as you feel heat fill the room.

It’s the waiting for the right time, and being ok with that.

It’s the getting to know every part of them and yourself with them, before intimacy.

It’s the problem solving when obstacles arise.

It’s the soft candles, perfect music, great conversation and that specific kind of kiss.

It’s the ravishing each other after all of the waiting, knowing that it’s right.

It’s the long-lasting, sexy moans, thrusting, and rolling around, and the tracing of the body so attentive.

It’s the after ambiance, holding hands, smiling, and feeling right for the first time in a long time in your life.

It’s making hard choices, and not being afraid to for once, knowing there’s a partner there to back you up.

It’s the support through scary times, taking care of each other, and feeling grateful to do it.

It’s the forgiveness when mistakes are made.

It’s the compromise when differences are discovered.

It’s the can’t wait to see you. You can’t wait to see me.

It’s the sharing a home together, making a home together, and loving what that looks like.

It’s the present moment. Living moment by moment, soaking it all in.

It’s the true love. It’s the leave me wanting. It’s the knowing…knowing you’re right where you’re supposed to be, right at this very moment.

It’s the blessing, after some lessons, and it’s mine.

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Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Beautiful

man s hand in shallow focus and grayscale photography
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Can you see the ending,

staring straight ahead?

People are still broke, poor and starving.

Most are already dead..

Waiting for the final countdown,

living moment to moment with no cure.

Most have gave up everything,

cause everything is just too much to endure.

Noone can see the big reliever.

Noone can see their heal in sight.

Our savior calls out for his people,

but they no longer see his light.

It’s coming for us slowly,

but not many will pass through.

They have all gave up on his love,

still, he has not gave up on you.

How could we live this day to day life,

not caring what we could have in him?

Instead we choose a life of heartache,

instead we choose a life of sin.

I want to feel the light around me,

I want to feel the heal that awaits.

So that when he calls me home there,

I can embrace the final gates.

I will choose the light around me,

instead of living in this hole.

With no ladder to climb out with,

with noone to save my soul.

I am scared now he is near me,

I fear the damage he will see.

But when he comes here, I stand in awe,

because he is the one who looks passed that,

and sees just me.

The time grows nearer.

he comes closer to make the final call.

He wants us to see him clearer,

he doesn’t just want some of us…he wants to

love us all.