Ghost Lover

Photo by enfantnocta on

You rip my blouse without evening touching me..

Sweat drips from my body without a single finger laid upon it.

How can I be running down this path in the woods feeling both euphoria and the deepest saddness

I have ever felt, at the same time..

You arch my back without being in the same room with me.

My thoughts of you seem to tide me over until the next time our fingers are puzzle-pieced together

Once again..

You lips must be dry and empty, because they haven’t been placed upon mine in some time now.

What is this love but a clawing in my skin?

I can’t stop it. I don’t want to.

I want it to rip me open like a machete hacking its victim with care and caress.

I want it to take me to a daydream that is inescapable.


In all of the ways that I have tried to fight it, I want it to consume me in a finality and completeness.

You run your hands violently around my throat without even speaking to me.

I won’t stop wanting.

I am stuck in this eternal loop of yearning.

I could speak unlimited words and ways that your lack of want makes me want more.

It causes me to disgust myself so much so that I don’t who is looking back at me in the mirror that

I regularly make it every point to avoid.

For God’s sake…..want me.

Want me or end me. For good.

Ravish me or push me off this cliff.

Because the pulsating within my body has became too much to bare.

Too much to relieve.

You burn my skin with those eyes. They don’t look at me. And when they do,

they burn a hole straight through me.

I’m reaching out for you.

Strip me bare and naked and do what you must.

In an instant, I’ll drop what task I am pretending, and I will rake this kitchen table of each item.

If you would only slam our bodies into it.

You take everything from me without even noticing you took it..

I am swollen and sore, without you even getting up from your chair.

My imagination is drowning in thoughts of places I am not.

A preoccupation of sorts that is destroying me when I snap back to this empty room.

I try to remember what our hands feel like clasp together….

I chain myself to this chair to prevent myself from making the first move again.

I’ve never been so rejected and so loved and so invisible at the same time.

I don’t love me right now.

I don’t hate me right now.

I don’t know me right now.

Do you?

I am not coming down off this ledge until you make me.

Ball up your fist, and punch me right in the gut.

It is the equivalent of what I feel when I slip through these halls on my own.

I just felt your fingers slowly drift down my chest and stomach….

But you are asleep.

You have ghost hands that follow me around..

Sensing my yearning for just a moment of intimacy from just the tips of your fingers,

Just the slight wetness from your lips.

I want to dilate and descend your pupils just by the moan from the very throat that you are choking

the life from.

Claw these clothes right from my body.

They are simply in the way of the condensation that just your hello drinched me in.

I hear the echoes of our voices from long ago roaming these halls.

They are calling out to us to dance carelessly together, not worrying about the troubles that

Await us tomorrow.

Echo back ghost lover.

Scream into me. Widen my thighs with your standoffishness.

Slap me back into this room with you,

Or continue to break my neck with your silence.

Either way, I love.

Bulletproof, I take every stab. Every claw. Every suffocation you create in me.

Ghost lover, I’ll still be here. Dagger on my side.

Bottomless Bottom

woman in white dress falling on gray concrete floor
Photo by Tim Grundtner on

This period of transition and heartache in the current era of my life is a definition of cruel that I have never experienced before. 

They say before you can climb to the top, or realize that you even need to, you must hit a “rock bottom”.

It’s crazy. Because my life has seemingly been a serious of these horrible bottoms. Each one a little bit worse than the one before. Only, all the ones before now, were only bottoms where I sat at the bottom of the hole alone.

This one is different. It’s like I had multiple people chained to my ankles and when it was time to fall, they were victims of circumstance.

There’s two ways I could view it….

First way….

Someone has my life on a bottomless pit repeat, kind of like the movie groundhog day, and these bottoms have no seize..

Second way..

One day, after I am drug through the mud, suffocated, and drained of every tear I am capable of crying, there’s is one amazing top I am going to reach.

I pray for the latter. I actually yearn for it. I am so tired. Truly I am. I do not know how much I can withstand. I won’t say I can’t withstand anymore, because the truth is, I have literally been beaten, sexually assaulted as a child, raped more than once as a teen, homeless, isolated, unloved, stripped of everything I had more than once, cursed with what seems like an unloveable soul,  and I have seen dark things that I can’t explain.. nor would anyone believe even if I tried to, and recently, almost lost my daughter…… yet I am still here.

I suppose God or fate is not done with me yet. I don’t know what lies ahead. It scares me whatelse I may have to withstand, and honestly, it will take strength I know that I don’t currently have. But I know that I want love to be involved, even if I do not fully understand all types of it. The love as a mother, I fully embrace and experience, but the love as a lover is one that I have always yearned for, but never fully grasped. But it’s been clearly depicted so far, that the latter is so far, not in the works for me. I pray that when and if it is, that that lover will dream of me, and we can meet on this battlefield with our white flags, embrace, and never…EVER again let go.

Until then, I’ll light a candle at the bottom of this hole so I can continue to dig out with some slight visability, and I will try my best to focus on the things I am digging for.