Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Tissues And Syrup

It’s lonely at this table

And the microwave just beeped

I’m trying to eat while I am able

But it’s not stopping this pit digging deep

Every chew breeds a memory

That is slowly decomposing

And the future flashes in front of me

As I can feel this chapter closing

I cried into these waffles

That I shoveled in forcefully

Every feeling like fossils

Years later someone will discover and see

But I feel I will be withered away

Long gone by the time they dig

I just keep sitting here waiting and feeling in the way

Like karma’s guinea pig

The longer I sit here

The thicker the concrete dries around the good in me

And I am absolutely riddled with fear

As it’s sunny outside, but inside I can only hear thundering

It’s a constant paranoia like a repeating ticking of a clock

And my last bit of patience and empathy is wavering

As I feel I have given everything that I’ve got

And all hope I may have had is tapering

This syrup feels like molasses running down my throat

And the passage for anything to go down seems to be narrowing

My mind drifts right back out to that storm-raged ocean on that deeply worn boat

And this love I felt unrequited feels so harrowing

They’ll say I snapped and just went crazy

Not speaking of everything that led me out to sea

They’ll never speak of the love that I had to give before it all so got hazy

Or the life that was sucked out of me

I yearned for you to see how mentally and emotionally I was shredded apart

As I literally begged to be loved and seen while being used up with every jab

This love of mine was never quite enough, and there was a reckless abandonment of my heart

Until exhaustion took over, and my entire sanity was up for grabs

And it seemed like the more I tried to get you to see me, the more I seen of you

Until the person who stood before me was this stranger who took me to battle bloodshed

I have believed when no one else did, and I loved with parts of me until I turned blue

I fought and loved you through every chapter, until most of me is now dead

Everything in me feels heartbreak and loss that I didn’t deserve

To now have to author a story that I never really chose

And since there’s no one out there fighting for me, no partner left to serve

I know now all that’s left for me to find love and be loved is to bring this chapter to a close……

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

On The Cusp of A Breakdown or Break-through

Photo by Aleks Marinkovic on Pexels.com

I don’t know if these walls are getting smaller or if I am. Are they closing in or am I closing down? My mind is so weighted down, that I feel sick. I feel so unwell. More unwell than I have ever felt.

I want to mean something to someone. I wanna feel so wanted that it spews from my veins. I want to be surprised with a kiss so passionate that I feel dizzy when it slows to a stare. I need to be loved in a way that I feel safe for the first time in my life. How long have I waited? Waiting always….

I want to feel worth it. Worthy. Enough. Why is it so hard to do that? Why do I feel so small around everyone? There are stories you hear about people who cry out so loud that all at once, their voice is just..gone. I am shrinking smaller and smaller and grasping at straws for ways to keep moving.

It really doesn’t matter what I go through, and how hard those things are. People just assume that I will be ok and keep going and going like I am untouchable, unstoppable. Well, here’s a secret that evidently no one has figured out yet.. I am not bulletproof. And the holes have become so many that every secret and every ache and every pierce are seeping out every single one of them.

I have made excuses for my heartaches and I have tried to explain them away to protect the embarrassment of another failed attempt to love deeply and be loved deeply and entirely. However, I can not hide what I have no more room for inside of me.

I am sleeping alone every night now. Night after night, I go to bed wondering how much more silence I can endure. I am not alone in this house. Just in this bed, in my thoughts, in my heart, in this pain, and in a love that is not reciprocated in a way that I deserve. Because if it was, I wouldn’t be in this pain. I wouldn’t express it and not feel safe afterwards. There is no rescue. There is no Knight in shining armor. I can see, just like always, that they won’t fight for me, and that is enough to fully break me. What is so hard about it? Fight! Love me the way I deserve. Help me. I feel pathetic that I have begged for years for what is the bare minimum in love.

I feel like I am hiding in someone else’s house. Someone else’s life. And I am not welcome anymore. I am just another item in this house in the way. I should be stuffed in a bag or a box and donated or placed in that building. That way, everyone can do what I must be getting in the way of.

I’ve had a headache for going on 2 weeks now. I feel like I’m done. Done giving and giving and giving. I am officially pouring from an empty cup. By the end of this, I will be the new villain in the story. Not the person who has been bent and broken and drained of everything I was filled with.

Karma is a fickle little thing. They say that we get exactly what we deserve. Well, can you please tell them that I get it now, and I don’t need to learn anymore? Whoever they are…..

I don’t know why I cleaned this house. I don’t know why I am throwing all of my things away, things that have meant so much to me over the years. They don’t seem to mean anything to me now. Still, throwing them away still will never make it enough. It’s never enough. There’s always something after that I am doing wrong. Even my feelings are wrong and in the way.

Maybe by the end of this, I will breakthrough and get to light at the end of the tunnel. Lord knows it’s past time for a love that I truly deserve. But it’s different. It’s a love that is waiting at the end that is just for myself. Finally showing passion and intimacy and grace to myself that I have never been able to show before.

But I’m not there yet. I am in this room, alone day after day after day. Hurting and broken, and having to go through it in a breakdown…..