Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Peace In The City

Who wouldn’t love this view? Right? I have slipped into a dress up scheme for myself while being here. Today, I am the southern ‘Carrie Bradshaw’. Last night, I washed my hair, got a decent night’s sleep, and this morning, I even made it downstairs in time for the breakfast that broke my wallet for the stay here.

The decor was nothing if not exquisite. Once done eating, I decided to do a natural southern Saturday activity. Yard sales. I only went to two, but I found the most adorable shoes and jewelry. More importantly, I was instantly reminded of the real reason that I actually like to frequent yard sales. The company, the companionship, and the stories. I met two different women today.

The first yard sale, I met a wonderful woman in her 60s who was fast-coasting towards retirement and trying to hang on at her job to 67 to get the full effect of her retirement she had worked so hard for. Her friend showed up and the 3 of us laughed and talked about real-life stuff that was really relevant in all three of our lives. I honestly didn’t want to leave them. I craved the company, but I didn’t dare wear out my welcome. They are the ones who told me there was a close of house sale at the end of the street.

I drove down about a block and a half and sure enough, there was my second and final yard sale, mostly because I had already almost spent the $40 I had allotted for myself for yard sales. This nice lady sat at a table with a sister and a granddaughter and chain-smoked, which I admit, grossed me out having just quit back in October of last year. However, I digress because the conversation was worth biting through.

The sale they were having was at their grandmother’s house. They were probably in their 50s. I found cool jewelry there and found out the main seller of the yard sale made it by hand and was sitting at the table teaching her granddaughter to make it.

I spoke to them about having not long ago been a part of the sale of my own grandparents house. Which led to telling them that I had lost my grandparents and my mom back to back. Once telling them how my mom passed away, the sister pointed at the other lady and said that she too was a type 2 diabetic and was not taking care of herself. This, if you haven’t caught on, is what led to my mother’s passing.

I immediately felt an urgency to beg her to take care of herself and take every second of it so seriously. And before I knew it, I was saying it out loud to her. She received it well and actually seemed concerning when I explained to her that it was a most unpleasant passing to witness and be a part of, made much worse being my sweet mother.

Next was an uneventful trip to walmart and then back here to my hotel. I need to mention that although having two umbrellas in the car, not a one was inside walmart with me and I got drenched running to my car.

Back at the hotel, I decided to change into one of the very cute shirts I had purchased and go get a few things out of the car. It’s so beautiful how a cute outfit can make you feel good about yourself. And it did. I mean, it is, currently.

Here I sit, in a gorgeous location outside the corner of the hotel, with a beautiful view of the architecture and seemingly religious stain-glassed windows, writing.

So, how might this night end or what could it turn into? I look forward to sharing that soon…..

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Forget to Remember

my journey

There are times in an adult’s life where a moment happens, and you are instantly taken back to a time from your past.

Tonight, as I went in my daughter’s room to pray with her, as I did every night before that for 13 years, my back was excruciating, and she moved over to let me lay down with her and immediately decided that she wanted to fall asleep while we cuddle. This was a treasure to me, considering all the nightmarish recent events that have been occuring in our house, which will be a story for another time.

mawmaw and pawpaw

As we lay there, the room became quiet, and I could hear the tv going in the living room that my husband was watching. I began to doze, not fully, but half in, half out, and it was as though a slew of flashbacks came flying in like a projection in my mind. Hearing the tv in my own living room took me instantly back to being awakened in the morning at my grandparent’s house as a child, hearing them both in the kitchen singing beautifully, a perfectly harmonized gospel song of their time. The smell of bacon and eggs filled my nose, and even as a child, although gospel music annoyed me, I wouldn’t want to budge for as long as possible just so I could hear them singing. And also because I didn’t want to get out of bed until right when breakfast was done.

Waking at my grandparents was a far cry from waking at my own house where you’d either hear yelling and bickering, or complete and utter silence because of the separation in our house. And the smell would be that of cloudy cigarette smoke, and mold and must from the lack of cleanliness in the house.

I kept flashing back and forth between opening my eyes briefly to watch my beautiful daughter sleeping, hearing my grandparents mesmerizing voices, and the nightmare that was my own house growing up.

Sometimes, we don’t get to choose what we remember, and honestly, some things, I have worked my entire life to this point trying to forget. However, pain unresolved, is like a new limb for your body. And it is a limb that you use more frequently than the limbs you were born with.

I laid there tonight, begging to be able to stay in my grandparent’s bliss, even if it was just for an hour, and wishing that my daughter could be there with me, just laying there, experiencing one of the rare times of peace of my childhood.

But alas, I suddenly hoped that the moment that my daughter and I were in right then, could be her time of peace when she looked back one day.

I’ve spent every moment hoping that one day, when and if she had unresolved pain to deal with, that I would not be the cause of it. But I would be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t a vast majority. I will be part of her torment and part of her bliss when she looks back.

I have always tried to be a good mother, but when you are riddled with unresolved internal pain as I am, you are bound to wreck those who surround you throughout your life.

me and journeyI can only hope that with events currently happening, a knee jerking wake up call, that I will be able to redeem a little of myself before she’s grown and gone and old enough to never call me.

And I hope in the process, I find something else to live for so that it won’t be as painful when she goes off to conquer each and every dream that I have always encouraged. Maybe in time, I could forget my pain, and she could remember her happiness………