photo of a woman standing in a cave
Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on

I get so tired of pondering the same question inside of my head! I have became emotionally spent in so many ways, that I don’t have time for anything else in my head. The only positive ways the New Year has affected me is I have began to focus solely on my daughter. She is the only happiness I feel. I get up in the morning now, and she actually allows me to cook her breakfast. (It gives me purpose) I do it, even when I don’t feel good, or am so tired that I don’t want to. She gets herself ready, asks me how she looks, and of course, she always looks so beautiful! When I look at her, it is the only time I feel I have a purpose. Was she the only purpose for my life? Maybe. If so, I have became completely content with that to an extent. However, I feel like I am missing something. All I do is stay in my sweat pants all day and smoke cigarettes.  I am ashamed.

I feel ashamed for my husband to be married to me. Truly I do. Some days, I just wish he would ask me for a divorce so I could spare him living out the rest of his life with me. But he doesn’t. He just keeps loving me. There are things I ask of him to change to make our marriage happier, more manageable, But things that I ask him to change seem to keep getting worse. I know one thing for sure, Love Is Not Enough! It never was. It never will be. You see, love is an action. So many people forget that. They think love is a feeling. Feelings will lie to you! They are most of the time a figment of our imagination that we worked up for that moment. That’s why action is so important. If things are constantly staying the same in your relationships, even if it’s good, then there is no action, no futuristic planning, no hopes, no dreams, no goals. There comes a time where you have to look at that and think, well, this isn’t working. Do I want to be complacent in my life? Do I want to move forward? I know I do! But I just don’t know how. And in a marriage, I will tell you at least one fact, you can’t move forward without the other half! If they are complacent and unwilling to move from that spot, unwilling to budge, unwilling to admit fault, unwilling to listen when you are sharing a feeling, then my friend you are in an actionless marriage! You have to ask yourself: Do they know what love is? Do I? Am I admitting faults? Am I doing my part? Am I working on myself enough? Am I encouraging this person in positive ways? Is there anything else I can work on?

Something I have learned on a personal level is to stop telling people outside of marriage any of my problems. Even when you are there for them wholeheartedly and give them your undivided attention, they don’t want to hear you. Eventually, everyone turns on you if you share too much. They show their true colors. You will feel abandoned and even less  fulfilled than when you first shared with them. You will see sides of them you wished you never did, but you will also be glad you did because it’s a great lesson learned. I am closing up. Because you see, I never have been that kind of friend to let someone know that I am tired of hearing their same problems. I pay attention when someone has chosen me to confide in. I do not turn my back on them. I would never take someone and beat them down further when clearly, they are already carrying around immense pain. But not all people are the same. One thing I am is honest. If I am having a day where I just don’t think I can handle anyone else’s stuff, I either don’t answer the phone, or I have even told that person that I am dealing with a lot of stress or that I am feeling overwhelmed and ask them politely to not share their debacle or struggle with me on that particular day. I make sure they understand, however, that I love them and I am not trying to hurt them in any way. Because people have not treated me the same, it is hard for me to continue being this faithful friend. I have become alone…inside myself, where I feel safe. I have regressed. I want no interaction with anyone. I do not wish to share with them ever again. I feel like a business closing it’s doors. No more.

I am trying to pull out of this hole. Because in this hole, everything around me is falling apart. I don’t know where I fit in, but I know I won’t let someone else decide that answer for me! I won’t let them take what little bit of direction I have left.

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