It’s so crazy. You wake up one day and your life is still what it was when you were a little girl. Unrealistic expectations and constant disappointments. I dream so big but my hopes are homeless. I often wonder what I keep doing….or the lack thereof of what I’m doing to keep these feelings constant. And the worst possible feeling to have is feeling as though you have passed it on to your children. Constant defeat. Constant want. Constant disappointment. WHY. And how do you change it for your children? Even if it can’t be changed for yourself?
What do you do when you wake up one day and your child has no confidence, is socially empty, and has no friends and you can look at her and tell that it is destroying her? How do you fix it when you yourself are suffering from these ailments????
Did you do this to her? If I did, I hate myself! I wish she could see what I see:
The most beautiful, intelligent, talented, hippie spirited, individualistic, humble, old souled, strong……..
And then I regress because there’s also another side I see of her. Broken, abused by kids her own age, used by kids her own age. They don’t see what I see. Why do they reject her??? Why do they abandon her? I can only blame myself. It has to be me. There’s no way they are judging solely based on her.
Please someone tell me how to fix it??!!! I’m driving myself crazy trying to fix this and figure this out! I can’t make friends for her. I can’t make her social. And truly, I don’t really want to change her if it’s who she is……
I’m a lost mom. I’m a lost woman. I’m a lost soul. I have filled myself with sorrow, anger, pain……and alas, I’ve spewed this venom over my precious daughter. Can I go back? Oh I wish I could go back. To change it.
Do other parents know how horrible their children are? Do they know how horrible their children treat children like mine? Is it wrong that I hate them? God I hate them! My daughter has suffered everyone surrounding her’s transgressions and she has deserved none of it.
I hate social conformity. There’s nothing I hate more. There’s nothing I loathe more. But I do have to ask myself is it easier to conform so our children are happy and not broken? What a horrible world for that to be true. But alas, I have tried conformity. Honest I have. I tried making friends with the softball moms, the cheer moms, the girl scout moms, the jacket sing-sation moms, facebook moms, church crowds………..NOTHING WORKS!
Do I have a sign over my head that says……….DISEASED?
And because I am her mom, she suffers……………………..
These things are all I think about from the time I wake up….to the time I don’t sleep……..
Most of my whole life, I have been immensely affected by the actions of other people. It has made me an angry person. It has made me internally have hate for most every person I come across. Externally, I am polite, respectful, and an all around good friend. However, I am only this way because I was raised by passive people who never stood up for really anything. That’s about the only thing good I got out of it was learning to be polite. But internally, I boil. I am only that way because I truly feel that not really any one person has good intentions. I feel, because I have been hurt so many times, that most every person has a different motive than what they’re putting out there.
Luckily, it pushed me to want to raise my daughter a little differently. It made me want to mold her with a few different parts. I have taught her to be polite, but also brave, and to understand that everyone is different. I have been straight forward with her in telling her that there are evil people out there. People that live for hurting others. Most because their parents are also assholes and because they are taught sometimes through family tradition, that they are better…which they are not. I have always spoken with her about bullying, and how horribly wrong it is. And the truth is, I have taught her that we won’t put up with things like that and I want her to stand up for herself to every extent if it ever happened to her. I won’t lie. I have even told her that bullies deserve to have their asses kicked. Normally if they get their ass beat one time, they think twice about saying anything to you ever again.
With the confident, wonderful child that she is, I never really thought I would have to deal with that with her outside of that conversation. Now that we’re in 5th grade, things are a lot different. Earlier this year, this little boy cussed in class and the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her did she hear it and of course, my daughter didn’t lie and replied yes. Well, that made the little boy angry. He waited for all the class to be walking in the hallway and came up beside her and whispered, “I want to stab you to death”. Of course when she came home and told me about it, I could not just sit by and do nothing. The way things are in the world today, you can’t take anything lightly that people say. Because the truth is, kids do bring weapons to school and they do outrageous things. The principles got involved and he was punished with severity.
Yesterday, I get a call from the bus driver who was concerned for my daughter. There are two 8th graders that have been bullying her and other students came forward to the bus driver and told him they felt bad for my daughter and told the bus driver the two boys names. The bus driver plans on following through with the principals on Tuesday to make sure that the boys are severely punished for what they have been doing. However, the other students that came forward were also concerned for my daughter’s well-being. They said they also overheard her say that if those boys didn’t leave her alone, that she was going to kill herself. When I hear this, it makes my heart sink. It makes me want to wrap her up and never let her go. It makes me want to find these two boys and beat them till they’re not moving!
When we confronted our daughter about what was happening, we did it with the utmost sincerity in order to not push her away. We wanted her to understand that we are always here for her and to never ever keep anything like that from us. To always come and tell us when something like that is happening. When we asked her about the part where she said she would harm herself, she denied it. Just like I knew she would. We told her that she would never be in trouble for something like that. We would never love her any less, and we only wanted to be able to understand her better. We only want her to be able to come to us with full honesty and openness and know that we will always be on her side. Nothing worked. She told the truth about being bullied, but would not talk about saying she would harm herself.
By the end of the conversation, I was crying, she was crying, and we had agreed to believe her in saying that she did not say she would harm herself. I couldn’t believe I was having to have this conversation with my almost 11 year old. My heart was broken. My heart is broken. I am angry. I am sad. I feel defeated. I just want to know that she doesn’t feel sad. I just want to know that I am doing everything a mother can do to be there for her daughter. I just want her to never feel as though she is alone in anything. Because she is not. I want to crowd around her and never take my eyes off of her. But I can’t do that. Somehow, I have got to find a trust that I have taught her how to make good decisions and that I have taught her that she is loved so much by so many. I want to find these children’s parents and beat them. I want to beat their children for stripping my daughter of what little bit of innocence that she has left. For showing her just how ugly this horrible world can be. For showing her assholes come in all ages.
I will focus even more of me on her from now on. I will continue to ask her everyday…How was your day? Did anyone hurt you? Has anyone mistreated you? Are you happy? And other people will probably continue to be assholes. But in my prayers, and as a mother, I have to believe that she will be strong. She will continue to be amazing, wonderful, and smart. She will excel and one day be on top of the world looking down at how pathetic they are. Because they spent so much time being evil that they made nothing of their lives. And we will stand together smiling. Because we made it. We are a family. Not broken permanently by people that don’t matter. Words are just that, words. And we will conquer this. These individuals will mean nothing to us. They try to tear us down, but we only get stronger. She is young. She shouldn’t have to feel this way. She should be completely happy, but that is just not the way the world works. It is a cruel place. It is full of cruel people. But we, together, will survive it.