me and little journey

 

It’s so crazy. You wake up one day and your life is still what it was when you were a little girl. Unrealistic expectations and constant disappointments.  I dream so big but my hopes are homeless. I often wonder what I keep doing….or the lack thereof of what I’m doing to keep these feelings constant. And the worst possible feeling to have is feeling as though you have passed it on to your children. Constant defeat. Constant want. Constant disappointment. WHY. And how do you change it for your children? Even if it can’t be changed for yourself?

What do you do when you wake up one day and your child has no confidence, is socially empty, and has no friends and you can look at her and tell that it is destroying her? How do you fix it when you yourself are suffering from these ailments????

Did you do this to her? If I did, I hate myself! I wish she could see what I see:

The most beautiful, intelligent, talented, hippie spirited, individualistic, humble, old souled, strong……..

And then I regress because there’s also another side I see of her. Broken, abused by kids her own age, used by kids her own age. They don’t see what I see. Why do they reject her??? Why do they abandon her? I can only blame myself. It has to be me. There’s no way they are judging solely based on her.

Please someone tell me how to fix it??!!! I’m driving myself crazy trying to fix this and figure this out! I can’t make friends for her. I can’t make her social. And truly, I don’t really want to change her if it’s who she is……

I’m a lost mom. I’m a lost woman. I’m a lost soul. I have filled myself with sorrow, anger, pain……and alas, I’ve spewed this venom over my precious daughter. Can I go back? Oh I wish I could go back. To change it.

Do other parents know how horrible their children are? Do they know how horrible their children treat children like mine? Is it wrong that I hate them? God I hate them! My daughter has suffered everyone surrounding her’s transgressions and she has deserved none of it.

I hate social conformity. There’s nothing I hate more. There’s nothing I loathe more. But I do have to ask myself is it easier to conform so our children are happy and not broken? What a horrible world for that to be true. But alas, I have tried conformity. Honest I have. I tried making friends with the softball moms, the cheer moms, the girl scout moms, the jacket sing-sation moms, facebook moms, church crowds………..NOTHING WORKS!

Do I have a sign over my head that says……….DISEASED?

And because I am her mom, she suffers……………………..

These things are all I think about from the time I wake up….to the time I don’t sleep……..

God help me. God help us…………………………..

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