faith – The Truth and the Lies of the Journey

Posted on May 24, 2025June 4, 2025 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Peace In The City

Who wouldn’t love this view? Right? I have slipped into a dress up scheme for myself while being here. Today, I am the southern ‘Carrie Bradshaw’. Last night, I washed my hair, got a decent night’s sleep, and this morning, I even made it downstairs in time for the breakfast that broke my wallet for the stay here.

The decor was nothing if not exquisite. Once done eating, I decided to do a natural southern Saturday activity. Yard sales. I only went to two, but I found the most adorable shoes and jewelry. More importantly, I was instantly reminded of the real reason that I actually like to frequent yard sales. The company, the companionship, and the stories. I met two different women today.

The first yard sale, I met a wonderful woman in her 60s who was fast-coasting towards retirement and trying to hang on at her job to 67 to get the full effect of her retirement she had worked so hard for. Her friend showed up and the 3 of us laughed and talked about real-life stuff that was really relevant in all three of our lives. I honestly didn’t want to leave them. I craved the company, but I didn’t dare wear out my welcome. They are the ones who told me there was a close of house sale at the end of the street.

I drove down about a block and a half and sure enough, there was my second and final yard sale, mostly because I had already almost spent the $40 I had allotted for myself for yard sales. This nice lady sat at a table with a sister and a granddaughter and chain-smoked, which I admit, grossed me out having just quit back in October of last year. However, I digress because the conversation was worth biting through.

The sale they were having was at their grandmother’s house. They were probably in their 50s. I found cool jewelry there and found out the main seller of the yard sale made it by hand and was sitting at the table teaching her granddaughter to make it.

I spoke to them about having not long ago been a part of the sale of my own grandparents house. Which led to telling them that I had lost my grandparents and my mom back to back. Once telling them how my mom passed away, the sister pointed at the other lady and said that she too was a type 2 diabetic and was not taking care of herself. This, if you haven’t caught on, is what led to my mother’s passing.

I immediately felt an urgency to beg her to take care of herself and take every second of it so seriously. And before I knew it, I was saying it out loud to her. She received it well and actually seemed concerning when I explained to her that it was a most unpleasant passing to witness and be a part of, made much worse being my sweet mother.

Next was an uneventful trip to walmart and then back here to my hotel. I need to mention that although having two umbrellas in the car, not a one was inside walmart with me and I got drenched running to my car.

Back at the hotel, I decided to change into one of the very cute shirts I had purchased and go get a few things out of the car. It’s so beautiful how a cute outfit can make you feel good about yourself. And it did. I mean, it is, currently.

Here I sit, in a gorgeous location outside the corner of the hotel, with a beautiful view of the architecture and seemingly religious stain-glassed windows, writing.

So, how might this night end or what could it turn into? I look forward to sharing that soon…..

Posted on May 23, 2025 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney · 1 Comment

I Stayed For The Flowers

I can admit that this is not where I saw myself being at when I look back 7 to 8 years ago. I honestly would have thought that I would finally be living my happily ever after. But alas, that is not at all where I sit. No, I sit in a hotel…alone. There’s no vacation amiss, there’s no couple escape, and I’m not here to visit a friend. I’m here desperately seeking some remnants of peace. I have never been so weighted down in every area of my life all at the same time. It’s though the weight of a skyrise building is sitting on top of me.

To make things more soaked with dark clouds, I have been unable to write since my mother passed away almost 2 years ago.

I have died inside over and over since 2021. My heart has been trampled on by every force you could think up. And I could never even make it up. It’s real and I wish it wasn’t. Loneliness, bad health news and changes, betrayal, death, abandonment…. You name it, it has rolled me under an 18-wheeler in a back and forth motion for 4 years.

I have never experienced feeling at the same time so scared, and feeling so unwanted and unloved sitting at this hotel tonight. I’m admitting out loud right now finally, at almost 41 years old, that I want what I deserve. I’m not sure everything that should be on that list, but I know for sure that at the least, currently, that I know I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel like I am not faulted for being scared or being who I am. I deserve to express what has hurt me, and when I am sad. I deserve to be comforted. I deserve romance. I deserve respect and honor. I deserve to be protected when I am in danger, and I deserve to be loved the way that I love.

I’m standing outside my room right now overlooking the pool writing this. Down by the pool, of all things that could be going on, is bounds of laughter and community. I met some of them down in the lobby today. You see, there’s a beautiful wedding going to happen tomorrow. I am just so grateful that it’s not going to be here. It’s enough to hear them all laughing and discussing love while reminiscing about all of their histories and relationships. I am not salty about them. I believe in love. I am just not 100% I have ever understood it. Ever. Right when I think I am experiencing exactly what love should feel like for me, the entire rug gets swiped right out from under me.

I have a home. I know I am not there right now, but I do have one. Well, I did. I don’t know if I have one anymore. A part of me hopes I do. The other part of me doesn’t know if it was ever truly a real home. Every year there has been spent one moment in absolute turmoil, and then the next minute having make up days for all the turmoil and then wash, rinse, and repeat.

I have spent years helping make that house into a home. It has one of the most beautiful porches I have ever had the pleasure of helping make an actual porch for a home. It’s my favorite thing to enjoy and look at at that house. Picture rocking chairs, a swing, and flowers, flowers, and garden everywhere. When things are really bad, sometimes I wonder to myself, am I staying for the flowers? It is a prominent question I have pondered to myself many many times.

How could I not have all of these things running through my mind, right? I mean, after all, I wouldn’t be in this hotel if the turmoil had not became just too much for me to literally bare anymore.

I have loved him since day one. I used to be able to say it has never faltered, my love. But one can only have unwavering love for so long without the same reciprocation before they cave in and collapse. After a barrel of betrayal, questioning why I am not enough, and realizing that literally no one around me cares if drop unconscious right in front of them due to arguing, stress and anger because of very serious health issues that are happening right now, I met my limit that I could no longer look in the face. All I could think is to get by myself so I could stop from instantly collapsing.

I’m sure you’re wondering if has gotten any better? The short answer is no. No one has ever considered me worth it enough to chase me proving their love for me. So, I have booked two more days. How ironic it is that I will check out on Memorial Day.

There’s a gorgeous bar here, and because of my health, I can’t have a single drink. I would love to be sitting here writing this with a glass of wine.

Today, instead of sweet nothing texts, he did what I thought he would do based on his behavior as of late. By the afternoon, in the few texts we have sent each other, I could instantly tell that his mood and view had changed. All of sudden, the space that I need, and the care that I need, took a backseat as usual and it became about the space that he needed and the anguish that he was feeling. It’s not that his feelings don’t matter. That’s the point. It seems as though only his feelings ever matter. I feel small. I feel less than in his eyes. Sometimes I think he’s only with me out of pity and the inability to ask me to leave. Even though he just “proposed” to me less than 2 months ago. When I really think about it, I am being put through a tailspin. Do you want me all the time? Or do you only want me when I am sick or things are seemingly good? Please tell me because I am crumbling like a rockslide. You can only have me if you love all of me.

You can not erupt every time things get hard. I have loved you and cared for you wholeheartedly through all of your darkest times and I would continue to, even right now, if you can do the same. That is why I am here at this hotel. And the reason it might have took so long to take this space could maybe, possibly be…..that I stayed for the flowers.

Posted on February 12, 2022August 14, 2022 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

A List of My Demands…

I demand a conscious silence.

I demand peace of mind.

I demand protection from the elements.

And I demand the chance to protect my health and my body.

I owe it to my very being to find love for my own self first, to set an example for those

that will come after me.

I demand happiness and to push any obstacle out of my way to accomplish that.

I demand respect. The kind I have both earned for myself, and the kind that just naturally

comes from being birthed a human and woman.

I demand love. The kind I deserve and can also provide. The kind of love that changes

how I view everything in this big world. The kind that I can be myself with.

I demand a place in this world. For myself and for my family, and I stand ready to fight

for it.

I demand understanding. Understanding that if I portray a thought process different than yours, you will not shake it in me. An understanding that as you stare into my eyes and sense an emptiness, you know not the measures of things I have been through, nor that I am battling as we exchange looks. An understanding that possibly in that moment, I am hanging on by the last thread that I have more than likely graciously borrowed from someone who felt generous enough to offer it up to me.

I demand self-worth. A world that acknowledges my beauty as a woman, my strength as a mother, and my value as a fellow human.

I demand unapologetic boundaries. Last and definitely not least, I ultimately place my mental health, my wellbeing, my self-love, and the care of my children above all and everything. If at any time, or in any place, any of these become threatened or weighted down, I reserve the right to distance myself, children, and soul from the weight.

I demand my demands to be met. And if they are not, I demand a removal of the obstacle.

Posted on February 12, 2022March 8, 2022 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

A Mother’s Cry..

My whole world has become complacent lately. Feeling like a machine with my heart renewed on an assembly line by a conveyor belt each day only for it to be broken into pieces once again. Broken heart after broken heart. I am a born again living dead girl. Floating around preparing myself for the next jab. A pride carried from a naive heart who only felt she had gotten at least one thing right in her fragile, brittle life.

Take that molded rug right out from under me. Over and over again until the bends of these knees that have prayed for you shatter in two. While I lay here, a puddle of poison and battered, I will finally admit to myself that it was a facade.

With every strength and effort in me to break a cycle and do it better than those who had come before me, I have seemingly failed. I lied to myself and continue to do so. And since that was the only good that was ever in me, I’m emptied of a want to. I am hollowed with a who am I. I am robbed of a purpose.

Convinced now that I everywhere I turn, everything is polished before I get there, and rusted out by the time I pass through.

Damaged goods. Homeless.

How does one who is broken time and time again, die inside, and then awaken again to die once more but never stay dead?

When I said I’d take the pain of this world off of you if I could, I never knew or imagined that it would mean that I would take not only the pain, but the weight of every ocean, the blame, and every ounce of hate and resentment that had passed through the vicinity of us.

But even so, torn limb from limb, I steady myself to stand once again with half the sun rising on my beaten face, to take my place on that front line once more.

A failure badly bruised, mentally paraplegic, and dead but still breathing; prepared without hesitation to do it again. And again.

A maternal love is unfailing, unwavering. At least that is what it’s supposed to be. And maybe you’ll never see it in me, or find any sense of pride in my silent and suffering efforts, but I will press on in it in hopes that in the end, you will awaken to the knowing of how profound the possibility is of someone, who is so broken, numb, and beat down, could still love someone else and fight for someone else with an unfathomable, immeasurable, unfaltering, unconditional, and powerful will to live again, and also still love someone else with an entirety and unbreakable spirit, while unable to look at her own self in the mirror.

Live fully, my sweet joy. Live powerfully as my favorite chapter. I’ll be here fighting it for us. And always loving you out loud and working through the dead in me silently.

And even when you didn’t think I cared, or don’t think I care, I have loved you and will love you with every fiber and every second of my existing…

Posted on May 30, 2021 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney · 2 Comments

I’d Be Your Wife

I am floating in the winds of my mind,

and swimming in the waters of our time.

I am dreaming in the daydreams of all of our plans,

Focusing in on what matters in each moment, and loving all that I can.

You are the brightest piece in my puzzle board,

And the smile my heart prescribes.

I yearn for each and every memory made,

And how our beautiful future fills my insides.

Coffee tastes different now,

And each meal I prepare is prepared with so much love.

I want to pinch myself every morning,

And each and every time we laugh and talk is a gift from above.

Every time our hands touch, I am reminded of how grateful I am,

That no matter what’s going on around us, I am confident that this is God’s plan.

My heart is more open than it ever has been before.

I am constantly in thought of all of the adventures I want to take with you,

So much so, that my imagination just soars.

I want to spend all my years with you,

the good and the bad, through triumphs and the strife.

And through it all, in a perfect world, with nothing in our way,

Nothing would make me happier than to do all of this as your wife.

Life throws every curveball it can at us, trying to take us to the ground,

But no matter what my love, here we are still fighting…

still loving fiercely…

standing strong..

And still around.

So, I devote myself fully to you,

And you to me.

And in this life, we are partners always,

First and foremost,

Fully trusting,

Finally living free.

Posted on March 11, 2021 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Wade In These Waters -Pt. 2

I’ve been up and down on finding a whole new level of positivity. This is a whole new journey I am on, and it’s one that did not start off with good news or a positive look for the future.

I would give anything to find my circumnavigation for this nightmare. A way to pull the ultimate trick move and have the final prize be a clean health slate. The ultimate 2nd chance of a lifetime. But this is my reality. I constantly have to remind myself to stay focused mentally. Because right now, unfortunately, if I lose focus for even a few seconds and let the sadness of my health creep in, it will cause such a negative mental health domino effect.

On top of fighting this health battle, I have never felt more worthless than I do currently in my life. I spend all of my time, even when I feel at my worst, waiting on everyone else hand and foot. I am by nature, a natural caregiver. It’s just something I do.

I don’t have a job that pays a paycheck. My life up to this point has been a flop, if I am being completely honest. The only thing I truly have to show for anything I have done in my life, and that I have ever accomplished, is my daughter, who is so incredible, and an incredibly frustrating Criminal Justice degree that did more harm financially in my life than it ever did helping me.

Now that I am not well, I don’t know how I am going to work. I don’t know how I am going to make it. Yesterday, I went to the store to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner and when I got in line to check out, I had forgotten that food stamps (yes I currently have to get food stamps) do not cover hot food from the deli. I then proceeded to have to count $7.00 in change out at the register out of my zip lock bag I had been saving change in, to be able to take the chicken home. Very low moment indeed. It gets better. I then had to drive home, count more change, and go back to the store and pay for tampons and pads with change as well. Because every woman knows that no matter how bad your health already is, your female parts have no boundaries.

I’ve always found a way to make things work. I’ve never felt as though I needed anyone, even when I feel at my most rock bottom times. It’s because I’ve spent the bulk of my life with walls I purposely built around me protecting me.

A lot has changed over the past 5 years however. I really started working on myself and doing a lot of hard work mentally the most. I’ve let more people in than I could have ever dreamed I would have. And in turn, I let people go that had been in my life for what seemed like forever and that I could have never fathomed parting from before. It’s been a trying yet, freeing experience. I have, for the first time ever, began to embrace people and the love that they offer. And I have truly and wholeheartedly learned to love people exactly where they are at. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always been a huge touch-me-not. However, after doing some soul searching, and learning to pick and choose battles in my own life, and with my daughter, who struggles with mental health issues, I learned that some things are just not worth hanging onto. It has taken me years to fully achieve and appreciate the depth of that kind of realization. Now, I love other people’s ability to love. And I have learned to truly love them. Even when it’s hard to.

If I would have known that forgiveness was such a huge cure all for so many things in my life years ago, I could have saved myself so many years of ruination. I’m sure I can get more into that in another entry one day. Most of all, when you get such a life-threatening diagnosis, things you used to think were so important, or pain you had hung onto for so long unwilling to let go of and forgive for, just seems so small now. I am lucky enough to had already been working on forgiveness and loving in my life for a few years now. I had to. If I am being honest, I spent most of my life being so angry. I mean so angry that everything made me angry. I expressed every emotion with anger. And I plowed through years and years, destroying everything in my path. I wish I could go back now. I am free of it. I never, in a million years, would have ever thought I would be able to say it.

Today is one of my bad days as far as my health. In a support group I have recently joined with others who have similar diagnosis’s as mine, they advise that there will be bad days; and that on those days, you should rest so you’ll be prepared to enjoy your next good day. I’m trying. And looking forward to my next good day. I cried today though. I want to walk the driveway. Simple right? No. Not for me, at least not right now. I also cried because I hit a bird on the way taking my daughter to school this morning. I’m honestly quite unpredictable right now lol. But I’m not giving up, and that’s what is most important in my eyes.

I’m fighting for my personal odyssey. My own eventful and adventurous journey. I hope to one day look back and say that I visited this nightmare portion of life, and that it was my sojourn in this time for the greatest of lessons…… humility.

Posted on March 4, 2021 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney · 2 Comments

Wade In These Waters -Pt. 1

Feeling numb in the way that life is going. I feel like my life is a train, but I am stuck on the caboose, and no one is driving it anymore. I feel used up in a way that is so lonely. And I’m fighting every single day to remain optimistic and faith-filled about how I feel about the future. I just simply want what everyone else wants in the end…..hope.

I am closing my eyes, wading into these unknown waters. You can spend years of your life contemplating what you’re gonna do with each portion of it. Then, out of nowhere, you get news that makes you rethink everything. You question how far ahead you should plan, or if you can plan at all as far as career because of your health. Yet, here I wade, deeper and deeper.

There’s a drive in me. I’ve noticed that it comes and goes, depending on my mood. One minute, I’m unstoppable in my mind with what I plan on accomplishing going forward, no matter the obstacle. Then, all of the sudden, I feel brought down to my knees with mourning for my own self. This sadness comes over me and it becomes everything I can do to not just give up.

My lungs feel as though they are turning to stone. As if I turned a corner and stared straight into the eyes of Medusa herself. Or could it be possible that I have became instantly related to the tin-man? Only as a distant cousin, and there is no oiling up for me…

I have been so many different dark and horrible places in my life. However, this is by far the scariest I have ever felt. I try to focus the most on keeping faith and optimism. But unfortunately, I am still a human. I fear and worry.

When you’re a little younger, you think you have all of this time to stop doing the bad things you’re doing and start taking care of yourself. I call it the “I’ll do it tomorrow” mentality. I am only 36, almost 37. That’s quite young. It matters not however. I’ve been diagnosed with stage 3 COPD this past Friday. Specifically, my doctor informs me that if I don’t quit smoking, within months, I’ll be on fulltime oxygen. And I’ll be on a lung transplant list before I am 40.

The feeling that came over me while that doctor was saying these hard facts gave a new definition to shock in my book. It turns out, there is no time to waste. Having the “I’ll do it tomorrow” mentality can be absolutely life or death.

You begin to look back on each and every opportunity that you had to change your ways, or your situation. Even times when you could feel your body beginning to change in a negative way. Yet, you ignored it. Or you think back on the hundreds of times your grandparents lectured you about certain things, but you just rolled your eyes as you searched for the exit door closest to you.

But, I regress. Thinking back doesn’t change where you’re at now. So, you must focus on the hard work ahead of you. You must not dwell on anything negative. Especially those particular things that will absolutely get in the way and hinder the process towards a possible recovery and/or extension of life.

So, I write, as I always have. And I will continue to. Being as raw and open and honest as I possibly can, sharing my progress and even the rawness of things if they get worse, God forbid. And I won’t give up.

Posted on February 25, 2021 by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Remnants of the Past, Embracing the Now

I saw clearly the remnants of forgotten cigarette butts in the scattered rocks as we drove through to get that coffee. I was thinking to myself how many years some of those butts have been buried there, long after their victims have been gone. I dig into things and overthink if I’m not careful.

The voices of aggravation on the other end of the speaker from a person just there to do a job so they can pay the light bill that’s been way over-priced since the frigid dropping of the temperatures. Or the teen coming up in age, just working for that extra pocket cash, definitely not wanting to spending it on anything except the material things they feel deprived of. All thrown into one building working and serving the masses.

I feel all of this as I pass through the line, my daughter in the passenger seat. I feel nostalgic. Fully aware of everything in every moment. Extremely grateful for each and every second. Even though we recently had a therapy appointment and have to go back next week because the therapist is concerned for my daughter and is setting her up with psychiatry. Still, I am so grateful. Unable to allow myself to feel anything else because of the chaos that has tried to take me down for so long. I’m on the front lines of a battle like no other. And for anyone who knows me, there have been so many battles up to this moment. They seem like a staple for every chapter that I am constantly trying to break free from.

I am doing today with a smile on my face. Because I choose to. Even through each moment of heaving for air. Because I want every moment. I want every second.

I just swopped places with my daughter and now I watch as she drives. For a moment, I see my little girl. Her little smile. Her giggle. Except for this current version just yelled shit as another car got in her lane. lol. Still, I see her. I remember every single moment. She’s growing up so quickly and I am here for it. She’s 16, and will get her driver’s license in a couple of weeks. 2 years left in school, and the future awaits her.

I want to be there to see the incredible things she is going to do. I want to hold grandbabies, and see that’s mother’s love in her eyes. I want to see her do better than I did. I’ve never been that parent that said, “I hope your child is just like you.” I wish a whole different life for her. I wish peace for her and her children. And every dream come to life.

I’ve also never been that parent who says, “No one will ever love you as much as I do, or the way that I do.” That’s crazy. This world can be incredible. I wish more for her. I pray she finds someone that loves her bigger in ways that are more than a mother’s love can surpass. And I pray that they give her the world she deserves, which is bigger than anything her or I could ever imagine. I’ve tried so hard to work over these mountains so I could be someone she could be proud of and even maybe one day, would want to take a lesson from.

But lately, I have realized that I want her to be completely and totally herself. A whole new chapter. Breaking the cycle of this chaos. She is so incredible and adventurous. That combination in life can be so exciting and limitless. And as her parent, I am excited for all of these adventures.

We took the long way home, stopping too long at stop signs of course. The whole time, I’ve grasped the oh crap bar for my life. Even though in reality, she’s a good driver. And she has always picked up on everything so quickly. I just can’t let go and give control to anyone, and it’s something I am still working on. It’s something that frustrates her greatly.

We arrived home. Spring is in the air and I soaked up every single second of what was left of the daylight on the porch. I could hear my daughter singing in the basement in her room so I snuck to her window and started to sing with her, giggling. I couldn’t help but peak in on her. As teens, they don’t come out of their lairs as often as we would like them to. So, honestly, every chance I get to come up with an excuse to peak in on her or tell her I love her, I do it. Life is so short. I want her to know it. That I love her. Because I love her so big.

The grass is turning bright green again. I try and focus on that in this moment, as the thoughts of upcoming specialist’s follow-ups for my many ailments come creeping up on me in the coming days. I’ve spent a lot of time pushing back fear and trying to live in faith. It’s hard sometimes, if I am being honest. Some of the answers I get could change my entire world, or my daughter’s entire world, or both. So, each day, I am just living in every moment. Loving as hard I can, harder than I ever have. I am accepting hugs, which I have always struggled with as a touch me not and never accepted before. Even the closest people to me have jokingly asked permission before hugging me in the years up till now. However, in this new chapter in my life, I want love in every form. All of it. And I want to give it back, in every form. Freely and wholeheartedly.

We can’t change any bad or good news we get. We can’t change how long or short the time we have here on this earth is. And we can definitely not change the yesterdays that got us to this very moment. Tomorrow, no matter what the day brings, I will embrace what comes, with my everything. And gather all of the remnants to take with me, wherever I may go…