It has been some time now since I visited this part of me. I opened up the numerous drafts I had saved in my files. Each time I began them at their given moments, they served their own purposes for helping me to purge what was boiling my emotions from the inside out. But they now stand for a moment in time when a pain had washed over me in what seemed like a fire. So, this week, I purge my files of them. I do not need to remember them anymore. Just as I have began to purge myself of the rest of those moments.

It does no good to stick around in your brain or in your heart where you yourself are the only one dwelling there and caring about how it is making you feel. Therefore, if that’s truly the case, then you have the beautiful power to rid yourself of anything weighting you down. No matter how big of a chapter it was in your life, you have the sorcery within your own spirit to cleanse yourself of the power that it held over you.

However, I know in order to truly do that, part of the sorcery is working my way through it. The hardships, the unequivocal pain, the failures that one-ended love can bring about, wasted years, and even the beautiful parts of that. Because I could not possibly heal if I didn’t admit to myself that although a lot of what I considered to be real may not have been as real to the other person, it was still beautiful to me. Not beautiful enough to memorialize however.

Because anything that causes this much pain has to be evil, and evil has no place in my life and is not and never will be welcomed in.

I had a home once. It was a dream. I loved that house. The old floors, the surrounding of trees, the yard, and that porch. I filled it with my love. Lunches for the next day, plants all the over the place, and a very specific window that I can still see right now.

Over time though, love can not continue to be that strong if it has nothing filling it. Each betrayal, each lie, knocks the foundation a little more off the slab until even the house itself can’t withstand the weight of the emptiness. One day, I stopped making lunches. I stopped caring about that window. The porch just reminded me of laughs, drunken nights together, and the dancing. The dancing was my favorite. But it was all gone. So, I began to be disgusted by the porch too. All that pain and heartbreak stole the joy right out from under me until I finally felt something for that house I never thought I would…hate. I no longer loved that house. Every room and wall became my prison. I walked on eggshells everywhere I stepped. There was no one there protecting my best interests at all, and there never had been. Once the love left that house, a darkness took over. And when the darkness becomes stronger than the love had every been there, bad things began to happen. First, a locust of moths infested the entire home. They got into the food, and flew all around. I had never seen anything like it. The house began to crumble even more with piles of ceiling in the hallway floor all the time from it cracking. Then, a double oak tree, that had dwelled there for longer than any of us had ever been alive, one we had walked under, took photos under, made love under, split straight down the middle and one half fell into the lower yard, and the other half? Well, it fell onto this house I had loved so much.

You see, the love stopped filling the rooms. In turn, I think the house was as heartbroken as I was so it gave up and started wilting. Being there began to feel like a curse I was under. I knew it was time to go. I knew that not only was nothing going to change, but that it would worsen the longer that I stayed there. Because when real love does not exist in a space you’re in, well that leaves room for all the darkness.

Healing from that isn’t an easy task. Because unlike the other person in this story, I did love truly with my whole heart. I know more now than ever that they didn’t love me. Because I was discarded like I was nothing. Because to them, I was nothing. And after being discarded and treated as if I meant nothing, they let me leave and followed suit to the same behavior they had followed the entire relationship…they did nothing. They did nothing to fight for us. They did nothing to stop me from leaving. There was no romantic swooping in to save the day and professing their love for me, because they did not feel it. I believed they could do anything. And I loved them no matter what. All I ever asked for was to be given that same love in return. But even that was a task that was asking too much. But they wanted me to continue on giving and giving despite that. I couldn’t. Their ability to be rational wavered. They became overly aggressive when asked even the simplest of questions. I wasn’t allowed to express even one word of how I was feeling without a violent outburst. I know why he did that. It’s a deflection to avoid facing even a hint of an emotion or problem that is hard. Finally, one day, after being shut down that way over and over again, I got quiet. What’s the use of wasting another second of love on a flower that has long wilted? So, I stopped watering it all together.

I will say that as soon as I left there, even through the heartache of it, the curse began to lift itself. Doors began to open that probably never would have opened if I had not faced the fear of living without loving him.

Now, I will begin another new part of this chapter this week. A huge job opportunity and I was finally chosen for it. I am ready. I have fought tooth and nail through tons of rejections to get here. I truly think all along that the veil just needed to be lifted. And now, I will be making an amount of money that is truly worth getting up for every morning. I will build my new life and build a happiness that is on my terms and solely puts the greatest intentions for myself into the universe.

And one day, when I build that and healing has truly washed over me, I will love again. I will remember what it feels like to be safe enough to give myself in that way again.

For the first time in my life, I am putting myself first. And I am unapologetic about that. Am I healed? Absolutely not. You do not heal overnight from a heartache such as this. Truly you’re never the same again. I am not foolish. I know I’ll never see that version of me again. The one I was before loving him or the one I was while loving him. I still deal now with loving him. Because real love doesn’t just disappear. I just find other places to put it. Like for the first time ever, into myself…….