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Creep Into Fall

Can you hear the silence of the last leaves falling? If the wind blows a certain way, I start feeling desperate that I will miss the last one fall. I feel something watching that happen. It’s the one time a year where I don’t feel so small in this world. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Before this world aged me, I used to love putting my boots on and going out to crunch every single acorn and leaf. The sound awakened something in me that is closest I have ever come to true joy. Now, I just stare at them. Yesterday, I was driving down the road with the window down and one actually fell and came in the window and hit me in the side of the head so hard, that it sent a shock through my head and caused my ear to ring. I guess even the acorns have turned on me. And it didn’t help this 2 week headache I am carrying.

The kid in me is gone. Is this how it happens to every adult? I always promised myself that I would never let that happen to me. My goofiness and kid-like nature was the thing that was a part of me. Making people laugh was a genuine part of my spirit. However, my spirit is ghost-like now and it really is true that the people that are the goofiest and who make everyone else laugh and happy, are the ones who are suffering the most.

The air is crisp and and I sit at night and wonder to myself about where all the creatures and critters have gone. Where do they go to cozy up during the falling of fall? And the next thing I wonder is if I can go there too? I mean just really listen at night. Not a peep. Just the quiet of the night and I like to imagine that every single creature is deep in a hole with the greatest fire going. They are roasting marshmallows and laughing with their fellow creatures, making plans for next spring and summer. Hashing out territories like a town hall meeting.

Every so often, the sun peeks through the clouds as if the sky is also in talks with the wind. They weigh their time out perfectly so it flows like a beautiful painting. And then at the end of the day, the sun tips its hat to the moon as they pass in the horizon and another day is done. They work in such unison. But people….people can’t seem to manage that. Imagine the beauty that would be if they could. Still, I just stare at the beauty that is the completion of another successful day that nature offered me. Front row seats to the most gorgeous display I have ever witnessed.

Nighttime is even more beautiful. There are creatures that come out and take the night-watch. They are the sires that rule the night, hunting, continuing on life’s plan keeping an exact rule into this great big world. If you listen closely, you can hear the mama coyotes call out to their young at night, and then listen further and you’ll hear all the babies barking back. You will hear that until at last, they are together again, running the same path in the night. Everything flows so smoothly and it’s kismet.

Yet, here we sit, enjoying it and feeling the most somber things this world can offer. How often we take advantage of the healing all around us. Creatures who don’t slow down just because the world is hunting them. They just keep grazing and hope that another day is offered up to them. We are selfish creatures. The most selfish on the planet. Because no matter the beauty around us, we stop dead in our tracks with heartbreak and trials. We let sadness and hopelessness drag us down at the drop of the first leaf. We are not deserving of the top of the food chain. We deserve to be hunted one by one as something else’s dinner.

We chop the tree down that offers us oxygen. We eat the meat that grazes our lands. We spray poison in place of the creature that may very well eat the critter or plant that will poison us.

This Earth is spinning backwards. And that is why we somehow ended up on top. That has to be why. Maybe the orbit can change and knock about and we can finally spin the way we deserve. These leaves fall around me, and I soak the cold into my very bones. I try not to wither with them. I want to freeze them in place like a permanent resin in nature so that I can savor the moment that I realized that I don’t just feel small, I am small. After all, there’s a great big world out there that doesn’t care about my broken heart. It doesn’t care about the desperate ways I am clinging on to anything that can show me glory. That can show me grace. I am not sufficient enough to show it to myself.

So crunch, crunch, crunch on the acorn

and grab onto the last of the thorns

Make eye contact with the deer through the brush

And stay still so they don’t scatter in a rush

Sit with the moon at night in the bone-chilling cold

And embrace ever shiver as each day I grow old

Run with the wolves hoping instead of being a meal

We could join forces and strike a mother-nature deal

I’ll strip naked and grow fur

Run with the best of them, leave this human form in the blur

Roll around under the night sky

The moon will recharge me and dry the tears that fall from just the one eye

I’ll howl and howl until I am healed from this pain

And the trees will provide me shelter when at last here comes the cold rain

I will lay down one last time, as the sun it begins to rise

As the life before me and behind me, all at once, finally dies…..

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I Have My Mama’s Hands

I have my mama’s hands.

Each little intricate vein running through, just as hers.

I have admired this for as long as I can remember.

We have sat them side by side, linked together by an ancestry of generations.

Both pairs having dug through many trials and tribulations

coming out scared, but still ready to fist forward and fight through another day

Even if that’s the only thing they can manage to do that day.

I have held these mirrored hands as a little girl simply walking across the street,

And I have held these hands to hers as I cried, broken hearted.

And now, I have held these hands until the blood was left only flowing through mine.

As the cool crisp air floats into season, I will wallow in the silence.

The silence that seeps in slowly as we each grow older.

A breeze that slowly runs across each and every wrinkle,

taking its time, getting to know each and every inch of the day’s trials that have been laid across our paths.

The chill across my skin makes each bend of the elbow or knee stiff like an un-oiled wheel.

But even with the feel of an old body lifting me out of bed in the morning,

I will yearn to watch each brightly colored leaf fall from each tree.

A rebirth of nature and a rebirth of the world.

A world that will inevitably go on.. circling in the galaxy as we, in our bubble, grieve the loss

of an impeccably compassionate, perfectly constructed, vibrant angel.

A second chance, over and over, as this planet bows with a humbleness hoping that

we will nurture and care for it once again.

And a second chance, over and over, for a rebirth of our own spirits.

This chill throughout my body reminds me that…… I. am. alive.

So at the end of each day, as the temperature drops, I will watch the sun go down with a

humble heart.

I will sit late into the night, appreciating the quiet and speaking my grateful heart into the universe.

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Fall, fall, take me to your leader.

Let me bow at their feet with thankfulness for the gift to see through and past my body’s pain, and this life’s

burdens,

straight to the beauty in the chill bumps.

Let me honor these hands, my mama’s hands, by giving them life.

Oh God, give me the chance to use these hands for good in the memory of the one who passed them on to me.

And even as I tremor, and even when I am at my lowest, let the beauty around me humble me….

And my mama’s hands.

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Run

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Run

Run away little one

from the monsters under your bed

Run away little one

from the noises that breed dread

Run away little one

from the hereditary stupor

Run away little one

from life’s ever-changing youth-neuter

Run away young man

from mother nature’s inevitable change

Run away young man

from innocence as it becomes estranged

Run away young man

from life’s beginning design of your cage

Run away young man

from hormones as they begin to disengage

Run away Gentleman

from the agony those around you inflicted

Run away gentleman

from the way your heart’s conflicted

Run away Gentleman

from everything that’s not self-scripted

Run away Gentleman

from anything that’s not easy and predicted

Run away sad man

from this mess you’ve made

Run away sad man

from my love and all that it has displayed

Run away sad man

from the stabs of imperfection with their sharp blades

Run away sad man

from your own mind’s disappointment and the bed where you now lay

Run away old man

from the signs that you missed

Run away old man

from the regrets that you now list

Run away old man

from the sadness that you now try to resist

Run away old man

from all of her tears you created but now dismiss

Run away old man

from the haunting memories of her kiss

Run away old man

from the tic-tock of the clock

it dwindles down faster now

as the last ship comes into dock

No more running now

you can’t change your past

you can’t change the black & white, nor the contrast

You’re a memory now, flowers lay at your feet

A straight-line breeze of a life…left behind incomplete..

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The One

It’s the power in the breaking of a heart that can create the strength that opens your eyes.

It’s the revelation of a moment realized when you are taking that necessary time to be alone with yourself, so you can learn how to be alone with yourself.

It’s the confidence of the first step forward, when you finally stand on your own two feet once again.

It’s the strut in that step when you step back into the jump rope of life that kept on moving without you.

It’s the humbleness of faith, even when bad news stacks on top of bad news.

It’s the smile in the eyes, when you come across someone who completely steals your heart, when you never expected to share it with anyone again.

It’s the butterflies when you are finally face to face in the perfect moment, and your lonely lips meet another’s so sensually.

It’s the birds chirping on a superbly painted mountainside as you walk hand in hand down the trail.

It’s the dogs meeting, and it seeming like they had known each other since birth.

It’s the yearning for another moment when you are apart.

It’s the poetic justice of a finely swooped love letter.

It’s the sexy well-placed hand on your back as you feel heat fill the room.

It’s the waiting for the right time, and being ok with that.

It’s the getting to know every part of them and yourself with them, before intimacy.

It’s the problem solving when obstacles arise.

It’s the soft candles, perfect music, great conversation and that specific kind of kiss.

It’s the ravishing each other after all of the waiting, knowing that it’s right.

It’s the long-lasting, sexy moans, thrusting, and rolling around, and the tracing of the body so attentive.

It’s the after ambiance, holding hands, smiling, and feeling right for the first time in a long time in your life.

It’s making hard choices, and not being afraid to for once, knowing there’s a partner there to back you up.

It’s the support through scary times, taking care of each other, and feeling grateful to do it.

It’s the forgiveness when mistakes are made.

It’s the compromise when differences are discovered.

It’s the can’t wait to see you. You can’t wait to see me.

It’s the sharing a home together, making a home together, and loving what that looks like.

It’s the present moment. Living moment by moment, soaking it all in.

It’s the true love. It’s the leave me wanting. It’s the knowing…knowing you’re right where you’re supposed to be, right at this very moment.

It’s the blessing, after some lessons, and it’s mine.

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I’d Be Your Wife

I am floating in the winds of my mind,

and swimming in the waters of our time.

I am dreaming in the daydreams of all of our plans,

Focusing in on what matters in each moment, and loving all that I can.

You are the brightest piece in my puzzle board,

And the smile my heart prescribes.

I yearn for each and every memory made,

And how our beautiful future fills my insides.

Coffee tastes different now,

And each meal I prepare is prepared with so much love.

I want to pinch myself every morning,

And each and every time we laugh and talk is a gift from above.

Every time our hands touch, I am reminded of how grateful I am,

That no matter what’s going on around us, I am confident that this is God’s plan.

My heart is more open than it ever has been before.

I am constantly in thought of all of the adventures I want to take with you,

So much so, that my imagination just soars.

I want to spend all my years with you,

the good and the bad, through triumphs and the strife.

And through it all, in a perfect world, with nothing in our way,

Nothing would make me happier than to do all of this as your wife.

Life throws every curveball it can at us, trying to take us to the ground,

But no matter what my love, here we are still fighting…

still loving fiercely…

standing strong..

And still around.

So, I devote myself fully to you,

And you to me.

And in this life, we are partners always,

First and foremost,

Fully trusting,

Finally living free.

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Faith and Forgiveness

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I feel adrift in this crazy world,

Never knowing what’s coming next.

Being pulled in every direction,

Mostly feeling vexed.

I often feel as if I am on the outside looking in,

Never making up for things I’ve done,

Never feeling a win.

But there’s a hope within me,

And a love that grows each day.

A light like sunshine,

That floods in to extinguish the gray.

I’m clinging to an optimism,

that maybe it’s not too late.

And a prayer that after forgiveness,

I can start with a clean slate.

I’m feeling undeserving,

In the most vulnerable way.

The fight is on for survival,

The fear must subside today.

On my knees begging,

For the chance to show some change.

Whatever I have to do,

And fully prepared to fully rearrange.

So, I’ll walk through this door,

with faith instead of worry.

For once try and slow my mind down,

And not be in such a hurry.

Laying my insides out,

And stop living for everyone else.

Fighting away a doom that makes me want to shout,

Finally placing procrastination on a shelf.

No matter the outcome,

I’m still here in the now.

Thankful for the blessings,

And not questioning the why and the how.

I will love til my last breath,

asking everyone to not be sad.

So incredibly grateful for family and lessons,

Not spending another single second mad.

I encourage you to be raw and open,

And to never waste each chance.

And to never give up, no matter what,

Life is fleeting, love is priceless, and our time here on this earth one big and beautiful dance.

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Poetic Epiphany

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Not a soul in the world knows her pain,

Not a soul in the world hears her scream.

Alone is a word she is comforted by.

It’s a familiarity.

The shivers of the cold world can not be shaken.

And she doesn’t need the blanket of a lie repetitively told.

If the runaway train continues to run,

She will not chase the tracks.

And she will bury herself amongst the most

loneliest of poets.

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Seeing Red..

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I see red in the faces,

Of strangers passing on the street.

And red in their shadows,

As they shuffle all their feet.

There’s red in the vomit,

That spews from their mouths.

And you can see the panic on their faces,

Knowing in this red cage, there is no way out.

I see red in the carnage,

This sad world leaves in its wake.

And I see red in its actions,

As it gives less than it takes.

You see red all around her,

Choking away her bright blue eyes.

No one hears, and no one sees her,

As the darkness muffles her cries.

I see red drip from her teeth,

As she claws through another day.

You see a pretty picture,

And then turn the other way.

I see red in the mystery,

Of what hides behind each smile.

And I see red in the blue skies,

As I climb on another mile.

Tip your hat and mask the splatter,

As you smear each smudge away.

Wipe the red lipstick you woke up in,

Freshen up and start the day.

See each red in all its glory,

Knowing the misery’s intact.

Live each day with every scar like a battle,

Lady warrior, loner, ready for war and the attack.

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Hug Me Mama

Hold me Mama,

I can’t hide anymore.

I’m scared and alone,

And my whole body’s sore.

Hug me tight,

I need every ounce of love and care,

Even though in the past I didn’t let you.

I’m saying out loud, it’s different now,

And I need all that you can spare.

Can I be little, just once more?

And let you brush my hair?

Let’s go to one more yard sale,

Drive up to a lookout and just stare.

Forgetting for even a moment,

The days ahead that will take up the room.

And all of the sadness, and most of all,

the darkness and gloom.

Hold me Mama.

I need you to see,

How beautiful I think you are,

And just how much you mean to me.

I forgive you Mama.

Can you forgive me?

For not seeing the sadness,

And the way you’ve grown weak in your knees?

Can you tell me you believe in me?

And I made you full of pride?

Even though I’ve accomplished nothing,

And couldn’t even make it as a bride?

Can you tell me stories of the times things were good?

Or tell me what’s gonna happen, if things don’t turn out the way they should?

Hug me Mama.

I need something, anything today.

Before the days slip away from us,

And all hope has gone array.

I love you Mama.

Sick or not, it will always ring true.

Even when I’m sad,

And tears stream down my baby blues.

I’m here Mama.

Still here, writing these words.

Struggling to drive to the store, and trying to focus,

As I take these sharp curves.

I just smiled and spit my drink Mama,

Thinking of all the times I’ve pranked you.

And how wrecked your nerves must be by now when I’m around,

Thinking I’m always near the corner,

Jumping out with airhorns, trying to get a rise or two.

I hope you’re well Mama.

I’m thinking of you today.

I love you Mama,

In every form, always and forever,

Yesterday and today.

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Deserving of Nothing

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I am a heartbreaker

Standing and swaying by myself

I am that dusty, dangerous book

You make sure to purposely leave on the shelf.

I am an acidic weakness

Yet, you still feel a pull

Beating on your chest and fooling you slowly

Setting all the fires, leaving ashes and crippling every rule.

My footsteps leave soot in their wake

And every flip of my hair, a rope with a noose

If you know what’s good, stay away for heaven’s sake,

In the end, I shouldn’t be the one you choose.

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But there’s another side of me

That sits innocently, a victim of my own soul.

Constantly leaving destruction in my own wake,

Always consuming, but never leaving me whole.

Yearning to feel pure love,

Not deserving at all.

Seeming to trip so close to it,

But a magnetic pull always keeping me from the fall.

I want to dance around in a long dress,

And feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.

Float around without worry, sexy and limitless,

Just one day without doom.

But alas I’m a heartbreaker,

hips swaying in a walk away.

Braving shadows alone, no permanent takers,

Shattered pieces, beautiful decay….