Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

The Downfall of Raising Polite Children

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Most of my whole life, I have been immensely affected by the actions of other people. It has made me an angry person. It has made me internally have hate for most every person I come across. Externally, I am polite, respectful, and an all around good friend. However, I am only this way because I was raised by passive people who never stood up for really anything. That’s about the only thing good I got out of it was learning to be polite. But internally, I boil. I am only that way because I truly feel that not really any one person has good intentions. I feel, because I have been hurt so many times, that most every person has a different motive than what they’re putting out there.

Luckily, it pushed me to want to raise my daughter a little differently. It made me want to mold her with a few different parts. I have taught her to be polite, but also brave, and to understand that everyone is different. I have been straight forward with her in telling her that there are evil people out there. People that live for hurting others. Most because their parents are also assholes and because they are taught sometimes through family tradition, that they are better…which they are not. I have always spoken with her about bullying, and how horribly wrong it is. And the truth is, I have taught her that we won’t put up with things like that and I want her to stand up for herself to every extent if it ever happened to her. I won’t lie. I have even told her that bullies deserve to have their asses kicked. Normally if they get their ass beat one time, they think twice about saying anything to you ever again.

With the confident, wonderful child that she is, I never really thought I would have to deal with that with her outside of that conversation. Now that we’re in 5th grade, things are a lot different. Earlier this year, this little boy cussed in class and the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her did she hear it and of course, my daughter didn’t lie and replied yes. Well, that made the little boy angry. He waited for all the class to be walking in the hallway and came up beside her and whispered, “I want to stab you to death”. Of course when she came home and told me about it, I could not just sit by and do nothing. The way things are in the world today, you can’t take anything lightly that people say. Because the truth is, kids do bring weapons to school and they do outrageous things. The principles got involved and he was punished with severity.

Yesterday, I get a call from the bus driver who was concerned for my daughter. There are two 8th graders that have been bullying her and other students came forward to the bus driver and told him they felt bad for my daughter and told the bus driver the two boys names. The bus driver plans on following through with the principals on Tuesday to make sure that the boys are severely punished for what they have been doing. However, the other students that came forward were also concerned for my daughter’s well-being. They said they also overheard her say that if those boys didn’t leave her alone, that she was going to kill herself. When I hear this, it makes my heart sink. It makes me want to wrap her up and never let her go. It makes me want to find these two boys and beat them till they’re not moving!

When we confronted our daughter about what was happening, we did it with the utmost sincerity in order to not push her away. We wanted her to understand that we are always here for her and to never ever keep anything like that from us. To always come and tell us when something like that is happening. When we asked her about the part where she said she would harm herself, she denied it. Just like I knew she would. We told her that she would never be in trouble for something like that. We would never love her any less, and we only wanted to be able to understand her better. We only want her to be able to come to us with full honesty and openness and know that we will always be on her side. Nothing worked. She told the truth about being bullied, but would not talk about saying she would harm herself.

By the end of the conversation, I was crying, she was crying, and we had agreed to believe her in saying that she did not say she would harm herself. I couldn’t believe I was having to have this conversation with my almost 11 year old. My heart was broken. My heart is broken. I am angry. I am sad. I feel defeated. I just want to know that she doesn’t feel sad. I just want to know that I am doing everything a mother can do to be there for her daughter. I just want her to never feel as though she is alone in anything. Because she is not. I want to crowd around her and never take my eyes off of her. But I can’t do that. Somehow, I have got to find a trust that I have taught her how to make good decisions and that I have taught her that she is loved so much by so many. I want to find these children’s parents and beat them. I want to beat their children for stripping my daughter of what little bit of innocence that she has left. For showing her just how ugly this horrible world can be. For showing her assholes come in all ages.

I will focus even more of me on her from now on. I will continue to ask her everyday…How was your day? Did anyone hurt you? Has anyone mistreated you? Are you happy? And other people will probably continue to be assholes. But in my prayers, and as a mother, I have to believe that she will be strong. She will continue to be amazing, wonderful, and smart. She will excel and one day be on top of the world looking down at how pathetic they are. Because they spent so much time being evil that they made nothing of their lives. And we will stand together smiling. Because we made it. We are a family. Not broken permanently by people that don’t matter. Words are just that, words. And we will conquer this. These individuals will mean nothing to us. They try to tear us down, but we only get stronger. She is young. She shouldn’t have to feel this way. She should be completely happy, but that is just not the way the world works. It is a cruel place. It is full of cruel people. But we, together, will survive it.

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Where Do I Fit In?

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Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on Pexels.com

I get so tired of pondering the same question inside of my head! I have became emotionally spent in so many ways, that I don’t have time for anything else in my head. The only positive ways the New Year has affected me is I have began to focus solely on my daughter. She is the only happiness I feel. I get up in the morning now, and she actually allows me to cook her breakfast. (It gives me purpose) I do it, even when I don’t feel good, or am so tired that I don’t want to. She gets herself ready, asks me how she looks, and of course, she always looks so beautiful! When I look at her, it is the only time I feel I have a purpose. Was she the only purpose for my life? Maybe. If so, I have became completely content with that to an extent. However, I feel like I am missing something. All I do is stay in my sweat pants all day and smoke cigarettes.  I am ashamed.

I feel ashamed for my husband to be married to me. Truly I do. Some days, I just wish he would ask me for a divorce so I could spare him living out the rest of his life with me. But he doesn’t. He just keeps loving me. There are things I ask of him to change to make our marriage happier, more manageable, But things that I ask him to change seem to keep getting worse. I know one thing for sure, Love Is Not Enough! It never was. It never will be. You see, love is an action. So many people forget that. They think love is a feeling. Feelings will lie to you! They are most of the time a figment of our imagination that we worked up for that moment. That’s why action is so important. If things are constantly staying the same in your relationships, even if it’s good, then there is no action, no futuristic planning, no hopes, no dreams, no goals. There comes a time where you have to look at that and think, well, this isn’t working. Do I want to be complacent in my life? Do I want to move forward? I know I do! But I just don’t know how. And in a marriage, I will tell you at least one fact, you can’t move forward without the other half! If they are complacent and unwilling to move from that spot, unwilling to budge, unwilling to admit fault, unwilling to listen when you are sharing a feeling, then my friend you are in an actionless marriage! You have to ask yourself: Do they know what love is? Do I? Am I admitting faults? Am I doing my part? Am I working on myself enough? Am I encouraging this person in positive ways? Is there anything else I can work on?

Something I have learned on a personal level is to stop telling people outside of marriage any of my problems. Even when you are there for them wholeheartedly and give them your undivided attention, they don’t want to hear you. Eventually, everyone turns on you if you share too much. They show their true colors. You will feel abandoned and even less  fulfilled than when you first shared with them. You will see sides of them you wished you never did, but you will also be glad you did because it’s a great lesson learned. I am closing up. Because you see, I never have been that kind of friend to let someone know that I am tired of hearing their same problems. I pay attention when someone has chosen me to confide in. I do not turn my back on them. I would never take someone and beat them down further when clearly, they are already carrying around immense pain. But not all people are the same. One thing I am is honest. If I am having a day where I just don’t think I can handle anyone else’s stuff, I either don’t answer the phone, or I have even told that person that I am dealing with a lot of stress or that I am feeling overwhelmed and ask them politely to not share their debacle or struggle with me on that particular day. I make sure they understand, however, that I love them and I am not trying to hurt them in any way. Because people have not treated me the same, it is hard for me to continue being this faithful friend. I have become alone…inside myself, where I feel safe. I have regressed. I want no interaction with anyone. I do not wish to share with them ever again. I feel like a business closing it’s doors. No more.

I am trying to pull out of this hole. Because in this hole, everything around me is falling apart. I don’t know where I fit in, but I know I won’t let someone else decide that answer for me! I won’t let them take what little bit of direction I have left.

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

The Journey Changes. WHether you like it or not, You will have to Surrender.

 

My little girl is just that to me, my little girl, and she always will be. Over the past couple of years, I have watched the little girl slowly but surely change into a beautiful, intelligent young lady. She’s 10 now, and on Sunday, September 20, 2015, the official landmark of becoming a woman entered our home and chose its 10-year-old target and brought this mama to her knees……

                                                                                 ‘THE CURSE’

Here are the ways that you can prepare yourself for this inevitable change coming your way as the mother..

1.       ………………………….

2.       ………………………….

3.       ………………………….

DO you see the pattern here? There are no real answers to prepare you for this moment!

I have had the puberty/period conversation with my daughter at least a total of 12 times. And every time, the conversation went spectacular….well, as spectacular as it could go.

But on the day before (Saturday, September 19, 2015), My daughter and I, my sister, and mom went and did some yard selling, and on our last stop, my daughter kept saying, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom!” (She would kill me if she knew I was telling you this). By the time we got to my grandmother’s house, where everyone had parked their cars, she ran to the bathroom. She was in there forever.

Finally, I texted her and asked did she fall in and at that time, she came out. Although it was unlike her, she kept trying to rush me for us to leave and go home. Finally, I did and found out in the car why. She had an accident eeekkkkk.. Her stomach was messed up all evening and she even had several more “discrepancies” until I finally made her put a woman cushion on. (haha)

Skip to the next day, the day I’m calling “Cry me a River Mama”

It was a great, lazy Sunday. Later on in the afternoon, I knew in the back of my mind that I had bought some Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream and I wanted to figure out if I was going to be able to give her some so I asked, “baby, how’s your stomach today?” She replied with, “well, actually it just happened again.” I said what! She got this look of terror on her face and says, “yea and this time, it had blood on it”. I freaked out and said show me. She said, well I flushed it. I scolded her telling her how important it was to tell her mom if she has blood in her bowel. She got that same look of terror and begins to fumble her words….(I at this point think she is lying and trying to get out of school the next day) Finally, she says, “It wasn’t in the toilet, in was on my underwear.” I then had her show me. So, I waited in the hall while she got changed and I opened the door and there the woman cushion was I had her put on the night before and it had the blood on it. MY HEART SANK……I knew right then what had happened….

I took her face in both of my hands and I told her, “sweetie, you’ve started your period”. (nothing could prepare me for her reaction)

She broke down and lost it. Cried out loud while screaming, “I don’t want to, I don’t want it!” As a mother, I wanted so bad to scream and cry with her, but I held back on it (for now). I told her everything was going to be ok. And that everyone in her class was going to go through the same thing. I even told her that a couple of girls probably already were going through it, and had just not told anyone. I told her that it was all part of becoming a woman, although the very thought of my baby having to go through this bloody hell angered me.

Next, I told her that we were going to do a second test. I told her to go into the bathroom and wipe herself and when she did, womanhood was confirmed. She broke down again. I spent the next 5 minutes holding what was left of my little girl in my arms while she cried, and I was as consoling as I could be, saying whatever I could think of to make it better.

When she finally calmed down, I said all there was left to say. (only to make me feel dorky and old later when I thought about it) First, I said, “if it makes you feel any better, I’m about to start mine, we can be blood sisters”. Second, I said the last thing that could be said……”Can I get you anything?” “Like,…some…ummmm..chocolate?” “It always makes me feel better.” She wiped her tears and began to laugh. …….

Over the course of the next hour, my daughter was fine as though nothing had happened. I, however, was outside on the verge of a mental breakdown.

All I could think of was the fact that this precious soul that I once held innocently in my arms was slipping away from me. I could subconsciously see my little girl walking down the road and looking back at me waving. I was completely heartbroken. I cried….and then I cried….and then I stared…and then I cried. I felt as though my daughter’s childhood was sped up in fast forward mode and I had watched it dizzily, unable to stop it from happening. Her first words, her first favorite song, her first steps, the hard times we had went through that thankfully, she didn’t remember. All the hundreds of times where it was just me and her against the world. I could see pictures in my head. I could hear her laughing, and even if briefly, it was so beautiful.

Then, I flipped into an even more devastating mode……Will she need me anymore? She doesn’t let me touch her hair, pick an outfit….NOTHING! It has been almost 2 years since my daughter has let me do anything for her, give or take an opinion or two. A lot of mornings, she even makes her own breakfast. Very independent, and yes, I am so very proud of that. However, where do I fit in?

I, over the days that have passed, have tried to remember when she went from being little, to this beautiful, intelligent young girl. So many things run through my mind like….did I teach her everything I needed to teach her before this moment? Does she understand how very much I love her? Are we close like I have always thought we were? Have I taught her enough to communicate well with me? Oh my gosh, one day she’s going to leave me…..she’s going to grow up and go places, I just know it. Have I extended every branch so that she knows I am always here? Here waiting for her to need me. Waiting for her to want to hug me, want to laugh with me..

Does she understand that I would give anything in the world to start over and have her be my little girl again? I just want to give her a better life than I ever even dreamed of. Because out of all the things I dreamed of, she is the only one that came true and superseded all my expectations.

I guess whether I am ready or not, the journey changes. My journey changes. Our journey changes…

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Turn the Page (friendships worth losing)

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I love. I love all people. And as far as friendship goes, I feel like I am always striving to be there for others. SO much so, that sometimes I miss the red flags where I am shown that these people will never give me the same in return. For so long you share memories with these people, you laugh, you cry, and you even grow. There are no limits to where a friendship can lead. However, there are limits to what you should have to endure in that friendship.

In a real friendship, love in the same form should be reciprocated. Promises should be kept. If you say you are going to do something…DO IT! It is really simple. If you feel as though you are not going to make it, tell the truth. DO NOT make up lies to justify the fact that you are not coming. If you screw up, for God’s sake just admit it and move on. If a “friend” makes a mistake, forgive them. However, don’t get that statement mixed up. If they make the same mistake over and over, that is called a pattern and a choice, and more than likely they are not going to change. TOxic is TOxic!

You can’t pour good into someone like water. If mistakes are repeated, they are not called mistakes, they are called purposeful actions. And most of the time, a person continues to do those things because you let them……until you don’t.

Please don’t have ‘friends’ in your life that don’t understand how life works. And I am speaking of friends who get really butthurt when you don’t call them every single day and check on them. People, life happens. It is busy, especially when you are married and have children.

Don’t live life thinking that you have to hold on to a person who has done nothing but cause you pain or made you feel like less of a person or friend. Yes, you have memories, but the pain that they have caused you to endure far outweighs the memories that you have together. Let Them Go. It is time to turn the page on your friendship and end that chapter. There are so many more chapters in your life to experience. And you can’t do that when someone is weighing you down and causing you to lose sight of your purpose. You must choose to live, and sometimes, unfortunately, that requires you do some cleaning up and walking away. It is hard. But nothing great was ever meant to be easy.

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

No She Didn’t…….

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Photo by Keenan Constance on Pexels.com

I have begun to realize what I have been in the process of learning for some time now. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. It is quite frustrating. We want to be happy, and in some situations, we want to be happy with others. However, everyone thinks that they are right. So, if “nobody” is wrong, then how do you resolve anything? I wish in writing this, that I could give you the answer.

I have learned the hard truth; and that is in order to hope for change in others, you must change you and do that, just hope. It’s a hit or a miss, and sometimes, it still won’t change the other person. But in the end, you have still changed you and I guess that’s something right?  

So, next question, is it worth it? I guess it depends on the person. For me, my marriage is going to depend on it. Me changing. My temperament, my approach, my sex drive, my priority….yada yada yada. 

I have became overwhelmed with the thought of all the things I know I need to change, only to be angered when I think of the things that he should change and won’t admit. It seems as though everything is always my fault and man is that frustrating. It is really that way, or am I overthinking it?… Im not sure, but if I want anything to be different, I guess I am going to have to start with me.

It will be interesting to watch the progress of my change. Not that it’s going to go fast or anything. I am pretty repetitive with my mistakes. And quick to anger. But I am a good person, a good friend. I am just quick to jump in an argument to avoid getting hurt. 

So, where do I go from here? 

Step 1: Just Breathe………..

Posted on by thetruthandtheliesofthejourney

Beautiful

man s hand in shallow focus and grayscale photography
Photo by lalesh aldarwish on Pexels.com

Can you see the ending,

staring straight ahead?

People are still broke, poor and starving.

Most are already dead..

Waiting for the final countdown,

living moment to moment with no cure.

Most have gave up everything,

cause everything is just too much to endure.

Noone can see the big reliever.

Noone can see their heal in sight.

Our savior calls out for his people,

but they no longer see his light.

It’s coming for us slowly,

but not many will pass through.

They have all gave up on his love,

still, he has not gave up on you.

How could we live this day to day life,

not caring what we could have in him?

Instead we choose a life of heartache,

instead we choose a life of sin.

I want to feel the light around me,

I want to feel the heal that awaits.

So that when he calls me home there,

I can embrace the final gates.

I will choose the light around me,

instead of living in this hole.

With no ladder to climb out with,

with noone to save my soul.

I am scared now he is near me,

I fear the damage he will see.

But when he comes here, I stand in awe,

because he is the one who looks passed that,

and sees just me.

The time grows nearer.

he comes closer to make the final call.

He wants us to see him clearer,

he doesn’t just want some of us…he wants to

love us all.