my life

You can go your whole life and think you know someone. Hell, you can go your entire life and think you know yourself. The truth is, humans are everchanging. We are weak creatures. Even the seemingly strong. No matter what breed of human we are, we have human emotions. They are cruel. They are sorcery. Truly. And they will constantly lie to you.

Every time I get by myself, I try and contemplate choices I have, emotions I have, even people I have. It’s hard. Truly, you have to admit to yourself that no one is ever there right when you need them. And if your life has been a struggle, such as mine, no one is there…ever.

But when you live a life such as that in a constant, you learn to cope with those facts. Your choices revolve around what you can do to move forward. Not what other people can do for you. And it can be beneficial. Sad, but beneficial. Lonely, but after each struggle, rewarding.

We pay for the things we create. Chaos, pain, sadness, etc. No matter how much time goes by, we pay. We burn bridges, and I mean set them afire. Watch them burn with smiles on our faces, and then years later, wish we could cross over them one more time. We are selfish beings.

As parents, we raise our children, all the while destroying them. Turning them into next generation selfish humans. We try and protect them, so much that we harm them. And sometimes as parents, we give up for a moment, thinking they would be better off without us. No decision we make seems good enough. And their smiles are sometimes only in pictures, no matter how much you tried to make it different.

We begin to believe that this world is not for us. Period. Plain and simple. Giving in seems like a freedom we’ve been searching for our entire lives. We don’t tell anyone, but sometimes in silence, we dream of closing our eyes and maybe sleeping forever. We look at that child. We don’t want to leave them, but this world is taking them from us. Our own foolish mistakes and mishaps have taken them from us.

So, when we kiss them goodnight, or talk on the phone, we hold onto that moment. Just in case. Just in case we go and sleep in peace for a little longer than normal.

Their little faces replay over and over in our minds, and every day, sometimes every minute, is a choice to keep fighting for them.

So, we woke up today. We may only be existing, but we are awake. And the fight goes on. And we’ll put that goodbye away in silence for a little longer.

Children, no matter what, take heed, we carry a love for you that you will only ever understand if you bear a child yourself. And love is not always easy. Smile once more, for it is a reward we look for in the darkest of moments. And we are counting on it.

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